Senseless Circle Short story


The leaf softly floating down, not yet ready with color; stricken by unseen forces, yet this sense of death fleeting and senseless seems to permeate the mind and hearts of some. No real value to their lives or perspective on life, which makes my job that more difficult as I am sewing up yet another young male pretending to be a man on a dare.

Living in even the country there are groups who want power or simulation of power hoping to fill a void within that has not been placed there with love, which opens another sort of wound I cannot fix.

12 hour day all due to a feud over turf, yet adults decry the whys and where fore’s, fault finding and yet they also feud over turf each bomb dropped is for the purpose of power.

My one solace is I have a good job which I love and a great family, yet I still need my unwind time before setting foot in the door of my retreat. Meeting those who I work with we tell our war stories to vent our frustrations. Yet we would not have these stories if there were not some cosmic war constantly going on. We are the mechanics who put the human machine back together the best we can. I so wish that one day I can stop one fight, one shot which takes a life, one perspective changed in the heart and soul of another. Futility is wearing on me I merely patch the young up and they show back on my table only a week later not fully healed from the last battle.

Now that I have told all my stories and vented my frustration I better go home, having one too many this night I will walk it off rather than jumping into a taxi. Staggering down the street I need to stop at a store buy a bottle of water and start rehydrating myself or I will have a hangover from hell.

As I am leaving I notice 4 young men across the street, seems they are having a heated discussion, hoping that is all it is. I cross cautiously trying not to make eye contact and mind my own business only to arrive as the shot rang out. I run to the fallen pseudo warrior. Kneeling on the ground I remove his shirt and press the wound while trying to get my cell phone out of my pocket to call 911. He looks up at me and says “Man, what the hell are you doing?”

“I am trying to stop the bleeding to save your life.”

“Why do you care whether I live or die?”

“I am a doctor that is what I do give life a chance.”

“My life never had a chance man.”

“It does now, here is a second chance make it matter.”

The police and ambulance came, took the young man home, another squad car drove me home. I collapsed into an exhausted sleep only to be awakened by someone hammering at the front door and ringing the doorbell.

I hear my wife’s voice saying “coming”; next sound brought me to my feet running down the stairs, only to find my wife lying on the floor; already too late for me to help. Looking up into the young man’s eyes that was yielding the weapon which took my wife’s life I ask “Why?”  He answered “I can and I wanted too.”

He turned his weapon on me and shot.

I woke up in the same emergency room I had left only a few hours ago, after my shift, being attended by one of my colleagues, he said “Told you to take a taxi”

I answered “This did not happen on the street but in my house, Nora is dead.”

My colleague said “Yes I know so very sorry, the person who shot you was the same one you encountered on the street on your way home, he shot the kid you helped in retaliation for being shot 3 nights previously, who was your patient 3 nights ago. He recognized you and jumped in the car follow the police car to your home.”

I cannot make sense of this, he was angry because I helped the kid who shot him. This is a crazy dark world we live in.  Will the vicious circle ever stop?




Fish out of water Short Story Fiction


A fish out of water

The process of moving is tough enough my husband Paul has been hired on in a large city as a Detective in special victims. We have always lived in the country. I am not a church mouse but I do a bit feel like Alonzo Purr; Alonzo is a character in a book I read to our son, so many times it’s still in my head. Here is just one sentence: Alonzo Purr was the captain’s cat of the ferry boat Liza Lee. The story goes on to tell that Alonzo made fun of a city cat ended up on the boat by mistake, he did not understand why the cat was so afraid all the time, till one day Alonzo got lost in the city, he then realized why the city cat was so out of sorts being on a boat. So here I am feeling a bit like Alonzo purr.

I told Paul about this he laughed and said “Honey all you have to do when you feel out of sorts is purr; it will at least bring you back with a smile.”

“I think I like that idea, also Paul I am thinking since we now live in a large apartment instead of a house with a yard, I will not know what to do with myself, would you mind if I get a part time job?”

“Actually, Jamie I think that is a great idea, give me a couple of days to get to know everyone and I will ask around; see if anyone knows of a part time job.”

Within 2 weeks I was working 30 hours at a local dry goods store walking distance from our apartment. Which helped me with my claustrophobia, I am so used to being outside or inside a large house to care for, I needed the space and freedom walking to and from work.

This store was interesting you could buy, fabric, sewing goods, bath towels, socks, as the sign said Morrison Dry Goods. The Morrison’s are in their 60’s they opened this store 30 years ago. No need for advertising everyone in the area knows they are here and what they stock. It reminds me of a small town; everyone comes for the latest gossip then walks down the street to either the Pub, or Dora’s Place which is a diner. I went to Dora’s place her husband is a retired cop, had lunch and started to feel more at home than ever before.

It has been a year now and I feel at home, no longer am I purring the Alonzo Purr theme. Paul is coming into his own these days, he and Rusty, Dora’s husband have become close friends. They told us all about John Somers and their daughter Samantha. That must have been awful I cannot imagine all they went through, but glad to hear Samantha is now working social services special victims; she  has credentials as a profiler; incredible success story.

Now that we have met so many within walking distance from our apartment it seems I am getting used to the hustle and bustle; there is always things to do. As a matter a fact Dora said anytime I am bored I could come and help at the diner. Which I have, for the most part locals come to dine, once in a while a new faces show up and Dora always makes sure to introduce herself and try to get to know the new comer; not sure if this is being a good business owner or if it is still a reflex from being married to a retired cop, added to that what happened with Samantha.

Samantha is a beautiful young woman, expecting her first child; she married Greg Garrison’s son Gary, thus the name of the pub GG”S Bar and Grill, they run it together.

I already feel like part of the family, which helps with my homesick feelings that still arise once in a while but not as often due to these sweet people in our lives.

I really like working at the dry goods store, remembering everyone’s names was tough at first , now I not only know their names but some family members as well. Mrs. Morrison said “You are starting to act like Dora when a stranger comes in, I kind of like that, you never know when that may come in handy; either gleaning a new regular customer, or if something happens in our little part of the world.

After work on Fridays I walk over to Dora’s and meet Paul for dinner, if he has time we go across the street for a brew or two. When he works I wait for Dora and Rusty to close up and I go with them. This Friday Paul was so busy he could not come to diner, I decided to go home instead, I stopped by long enough for a takeout and told Dora that I will curl up with a glass of wine and a good book tonight.

Paul called around 7pm to check in and tell me he loved me said he will be home late do not wait up. I asked if it was his keys on the dresser, I could hear fabric rustling and he came back and said,” I will knock sorry I guess in the rush this morning I forgot them thanks.”

I heard the knock, sounded like it was far off; my mind was foggy from sleep and too much wine. The next thing I knew strong arms were around me, his scent was not the same as Paul’s, by the time realization started to creep through my fog, it was too late I was taped up and in a trunk of a car, moving quickly bouncing down the road. I started to cry, and then berated myself reminding myself that I need to focus on sounds, and the condition of the road, how many stops and turns.

We were on the expressway, I heard cars pass us, for a very long time, I think at least 3 hours, then a dirt road; by the time the car stopped and the trunk lid lifted, it was day light. I recognized the man right away, our ex neighbor Martin. What the hell Martin, I mumbled with the tape on my mouth.

He was irate when he said “You were never supposed to move, I thought I could get over you but I could not, so I had to bring you home.”

I thought to myself Fuck Paul will never figure this out, they will never find me.

Looking to the left, my heart ached realizing just beyond those trees I lived with the love of my life, which I may never see again. I released a combined sob, sigh; Martin said, “Jamie, relax I have your room made up the way you like it. You will feel at home in no time. I make coffee the way you do, I know your recipes which you had given me and been practicing them, I will take such good care of you and I have a little surprise for you.”

Soon as we entered the living room Martin took off the tape around my mouth, and hands he said he would return them if he had too. I knew I could not out run him he was on track in high school and college, played college football and is still in shape. I cannot imagine how he figures we had this kind of relationship, where is this coming from, we were neighbors, and actually he was more like a girlfriend.

He had me sit in a chair at the dining room table said he would be right back, that I should behave or I will miss the surprise. I sat, I needed time to formulate a plan, as I sat there I heard tiny paw steps and in came Putter when he seen me he ran, barking and whimpering simultaneously. As he jumped into my arms I started to cry, he was licking me I was kissing his head and hugging him. Paul and I looked for him a week or so, leaving a week late; my heart ached wondering what happened to him.

“Martin you son of a bitch, I cried months wondering what happened to Putter, if you really care for me you would have told me you had him. What the hell is wrong with you I thought we were friends.”

“Nothing is wrong with me, it is you! At first when you moved we stayed in touch through Facebook, emails, texting but eventually I was lucky to hear from you in a week, then it was two weeks, what kind of friend does that, stops staying in touch. You replaced me with someone else. I am a good friend I did not even mind you were with Paul I am a good friend. I have taken good care of Putter; why in the hell did you call him Putter.”

I sat stunned by what he said, answering him took all my effort to control my anger I did not want this to be a pissing match “When he was young he would fart a lot until we found the right food for him, it sounded like a putter from a motor.”

Martin laughed at that and said “That makes sense, and do you realize of all the years I have known you this is our first fight. We sailed through it even closer. You two enjoy each other I will make some coffee and breakfast.”

Now I had more than myself to worry about, I so want to get out of here but I could not forgive myself if something happened to Putter in the process.

We had breakfast on the back porch, I knew I had to eat what was placed before me or Martin would be offended, he made my cilantro dilly eggs perfectly. Putter was chasing a squirrel and looking over his shoulder making sure I was still there. I have to admit I miss all the trees and grass, one thing the city cannot offer.

When breakfast was done I helped with the cleanup, it had started to rain, wind was picking up, thunder which is something Putter hates, I took him in my arms and set with him on the couch.

The storm warnings started going off, warning of a tornado Martin took me and putter in the basement, there was a room built which took up half the basement, he told me to go inside I would be safe there, he would join me if it turns out to be necessary. I went in turned the light on Martin locked the door.

It finally occurred to me the furniture was the same furniture we had in our guest room. Before we moved we downsized our stuff, Martian had bought everything that was in the guest room plus two chairs from the living room, set it up as it was in my house. This is just creepy, I could hear the wind whaling outside Putter was trembling, then I heard steps coming down the stairs, heard a loud bang, suddenly silence. I laid Putter on the bed and tried the door; it was not locked but blocked by something. Pushing hard I tried to move what was blocking the door. My persistence paid off, it finally budged enough for me to squeeze through, I looked up and seen the sky clearing, no more house, but there was debris everywhere.

“Martin! Martin!” There was no answer; taking the small table cloth off the end table I made a sling put Putter in it and started to make my way through the basement, I needed to be careful since I only had slippers on. Making it to the front yard where many of the trees were down I seen emergency vehicles going by one stopped I called out “Hey! Help over here!”

I started to walk to the person coming my way and was so hoping it was not Martin at this distance I could not be sure. When I heard a familiar friendly voice say:“Jamie! Is that really you? Paul is worried sick looking for you what in God’s name are you doing here?”

On the way into town I told him and said I did not know where Martin was, he said he knew he was impaled on a tree with a large limb stuck through him and the tree.

It seemed like forever before Paul walked through the door of the fire station, he said he was on his way here when the storm hit. He found some conversations I had with Martin on my  computer; Martin had Private messaged me a few times which Paul had guessed I did not see because the messages became more and more irate.

I told Paul I became busy and had not logged on for a while.  When we first moved I was a fish out of water, until I settled into a routine. I cannot wait to go home I am now a city cat.

Footsteps in Life Fiction/Short Story


Footsteps in Life

Waking up early on a summer morning I am reminded with the sprinkling of sun through the blinds it is good to get up and go. Coffee’s aroma reaches to me drawing me to its black bitter drug. Arise and shine goof ball your vacation will not be spent in bed. Let Max sleep so you can go out on the porch and have some quiet time. Somewhere in the distance a lawn is being mowed, fresh scent of grass and hot pine needles, combines with the sweetness of the petunias hanging on the shepherds hook.

I have been looking forward to this vacation for a long time, Max and I work at the same Title Company we have been saving our vacation time, adding to it the comp time we get for some of our long hours. We have nearly a month of vacation. Rest and relax is exactly what we want to do.

Our plan is to do some visiting of family, along the way we will take the scenic road around the Mitten; since we live in Michigan we have yet to do the scenic road. While on this road we will take it slow staying at a bed and breakfast, getting out taking pictures of the magnificent views.

One of the reasons we did not take short vacation time that many families do is because we want the full time off to unwind, we want to have kids, the doctor said he can only see one thing standing in our way, stress from work, not enough down time, so this vacation has a plan.

I remember as a kid growing up each season brought more things to explore, my parents always showed me things in nature to enjoy, summers planting, fall colors and harvest, winter’s sledding, snowman making, springs rain, flowers. I want to show my children all of those things. I want to enjoy the smell of wet mittens drying, the musk it emits, watch the silent snow while holding my child, or rolling in the leaves which were freshly raked and piled high. All of those adventures seen again through my child’s eyes.

Hearing Max getting up and moving around gives me an idea, time to get started on that child, I am sure he will not protest. The scent of his body after coming out of the shower always puts me in the mood. Me walking into the room naked puts him in the mood.

We both had our bags packed the night before, so after our play time, we threw our bags in the car locked up and hit the road for our most excellent adventure.

The suns heat searing on my face actually feels good, windows down letting the wind whip through our car, makes us feel free. Who ever said the air is fresh through farm country never lived in farm country, the manure, mixed with a sharp ammonia smell caused us to put the windows up till we got to the other side.

Stopped to have lunch a mom and pop diner sporting a large chicken holding out their sign; there were a lot of cars in the lot which hopefully means there is good food.

I play it safe and have oatmeal with a banana, Max had the large breakfast with all the meat, potatoes, eggs, he was unable to finish and later said gave him heart burn.

4 hours of driving was beautiful we each took turns at the wheel, but by that time we had enough, arriving at the bed and breakfast, checked in, climbed the stairs to our quaint small room, queen bed with big fat quilt, peonies splashed all over the quilt and the walls. Yeesh! Feminine overload; it made us both laugh, suppose this was to give you that at home feeling.

I called my sister told her to expect us tomorrow around lunch time. Silvia lives behind my parents who are getting up in age, I love my sister she is great with our parents. I know I am getting off easy not having the daily grind of taking care of my family and my parents, Silvia seems to do it with such ease she is my hero.

Well after 6 injections we are off to a good start getting me pregnant. Yes we are making notches on a board which we will use as a frame for the first baby picture. I know we are weird but we wanted this to be fun right?

We arrived just before noon, mom and dad were sitting in the back yard of my sister’s house, sis was bringing out dishes, napkins, I ran to help; Max went shook my dad’s hand and hugged my mom. Dad piped up and said “Well did ya git my daughter pregnant yet?”

Max said “Not yet but been throwing a few fast balls at her hoping she can catch them.

They both laughed slapping each other’s back, you know how men do, I was waiting for them to do the chest bump and high five.

Lunch was great, burgers, potatoes salad the whole picnic fair, mom fell asleep in the shade, dad sitting next to her snoring up a storm. Silvia looked over at them like a mom watching their children sleep.

I said “They are particularly cute when they are sleeping aren’t they?”

That made her laugh and relax a little, I was struck by the notion for the first time being a care giver is stressful, I should come and relieve her once in a while. After this vacation I will take the little vacations and stay with my parents so Silvia can get a respite.

Winding down our vacation; at home, doing laundry, the lawn; we seem to need a rest from the vacation. Packing in all the points of interest, visiting family it was a whirlwind of activity.

We are now at 20 notches on that picture frame which Max has milled; matted, fitted it with glass; all we need is the first picture of our child.

Back to work our co-workers had ordered a cake that looked like a bed with two people having sex, with notches on the bedpost, what a group of people we work with, what next. Oh I really do not want the answer to that question honestly.

I was cautiously optimistic when I missed my period that month, I did not dare say anything to Max yet. When I missed the second month I went and got an early detection pregnancy kit. Sure enough it tested positive, I told Max after we arrived home after work.

There was a message on our phone recorder; Max pushed the button so we could both hear it.

Silvia had called I could tell she had been crying  “Laura, mom and dad were in a car accident, dad should never have been driving, Glenn had taken the distributor cap off the car so it would not start, I do not know who helped him get a new one I would like to kick their asses, but Laura, they did not make it, dad did not stop for the stop sign at the intersection of Connor, and Jude, a truck carrying a large load of wood hit the passenger side, flipped over; the logs landed on top of their car.”

She hung up and next message was Glenn her husband, “Sorry Laura, Silvia could not talk any more, we have made arrangements with the Funeral home mom and dad set up in advance, so glad they did that in advance, hope  you are ok, let us know when you will be arriving. Again Laura I am so very sorry.”

The funeral was beautiful, I told Silvia about the pregnancy, she said “That is beautiful Laura, lost 2 family members but will gain one, it really is good news, dad is giving mom a high five right now.”

At that we hugged each other for a long time, walked to the car with one arm wrapped around each other; our husbands walked just steps ahead of us, opening the doors to let us in.

7 months later I had twins, we named them after my parents, Monica, and Steve will be remembered through their grandchildren’s lives. I quit work to be a stay at home mom. So far I have smelled more nasty diapers, but heard awesome coos and gurgles which make it all worthwhile.


Friends tragedy and comedy

Friends’ tragedy and comedy

I have 3 friends I consider good friends, at my age I wonder if there is a such thing as best friends but I know if I ever need either the one of the 3 all I would have to do is call. We all live miles apart different counties but still just a phone call away.

I remember getting a phone call from Clare one afternoon, I still get chills remembering the vacant sound in her voice when she said “Paula, could you call Sharon, and Joyce I really need you guys right now please do not ask me to explain.”

I said of course; made the phone calls we met up at my place so as to arrive together. Within an hour and a half we were at Clare’s house, the look on her face when she answered the door was as vacant as her voice was on the phone. She was in shock, Joyce jumped right into action, she is the closet to a doctor as we have in this group; she’s a corner.

Joyce took Clare and sat her down, started giving orders to get water and alcohol, at first we did not notice Clare’s 2 children, well not really children, Sue who will be graduating from high school in three weeks, her brother Tom who is going to college he wants to be a fireman. My heart caught in my throat these two were zombies just sitting across from each other in over stuffed wing back chairs.

Joyce asked the dreaded question “What happened here Clare?”

As Joyce asked this Sharon came out of the kitchen with bottled water and two bottles of wine tucked under her arm; I finally got the lead out of my feet and went to get enough glasses for all of us and searched for beer as well.

Clare started to tell what happened with an eerily calm demeanor:

She woke to a phone call, it was her husband Byron’s secretary asking if he had left for work yet, as Clare was talking to the secretary she was walking through the bedroom, noticed Byron’s glasses, and toothbrush setting in place as if he was going to get ready for work.

She proceeded out of her bedroom came across her daughter going down the stairs, she asked Sue if she had seen her father. Sue said no she had not. Clare went to the garage to see if the car was still there, his car was, Sue started down the basement stairs, the secretary yelled in the phone at Clare: “Do not go looking for Byron!  Stop Clare do not go looking for Byron!”

At that moment she heard blood curdling screams from the basement, Sue was screaming without a breath. By the time Clare made it down the stairs, Sue was curled up in a ball, she found her dad; he had hung himself, still in his robe.

We all had a few to drink; anytime we are together we tell stories that night there were only two stories I can recall, the first was told by Sharon she works as a nurse in a psychiatric facility here is what she told us.

One particular patient stands out with me; seems this patient thought he was Paul Revere, he had a nondescript metal chair that all patients had in their rooms. It was gun metal grey with dark grey plastic cushion built in. He would take his chair riding it like a child would ride a stick horse, down the hall yelling “One if by land two if by sea”. This went on for months. One night shift it was extremely dull, so I and another coworker took several of these chairs, including Paul Revere’s lined them up along the wall in the hall; all were identical so we put a small piece of masking tape on the underside of the seat of Paul Revere’s chair.

 When Paul Revere woke the next morning to do his ride he freaked out “Where’s my horse?” I told him that his horse was in the chorale with the other horses eating breakfast. He said “thank you so much.”

Calmly walked over to his horse and rode it down the hall for his morning “One if by land two if by sea.” He went to the right horse.

That at least brought snickers from Clare, by that time Tom and Sue had fallen asleep curled up with pillows and blankets on the floor.

The next story Joyce told; this one we did not need to hear but by the mere fact of what Joyce does for a living we half expect something gory.

I received a call to a scene: when I arrived: in a large ditch were 2 black garbage bags that smelled like death. I walked over to one of the deputies and asked what they had; he answered “Looks like a dismembered female”

I took the bags back to the Corners office laid each bag carefully on separate stainless steel tables and began to put the pieces back together. Seems the woman was cut up using a chain saw and large carving knife. Post mortem, the cause of death blunt force trauma. As it turned out her abusive husband decided that if she was going to leave him it would be on his terms.

We all looked at Joyce with horror for bring up such a horrible thing, Clare bust out laughing hysterically, I could not tell if she was laughing or crying or both but she then said “Well you are right Joyce things could be worse.”

We laughed just to ease the tension. What a horrible night, and Joyce received a verbal beating after we all left. She said she was sorry sometimes she forgets that others do not take pleasure in the puzzles she puts together. Joyce loves her job. At least Sharon had a fun story.


The Big Step


A big Step


A big step in the right direction I hope. After I had my physical at age 50, the doctor said I need to control my stress or I will not see 55. Well I considered my options, being that I work as an executive for one of the big three automotive companies; they have been downsizing the past years, skipping me over since I am what they call one of their prize possessions. Yet the industry is fickle, I have a very good wage and have been incredibly frugal. My parents both died young with heart disease and my husband took his buy out and has been encouraging me to retire. Do you realize men do not nag they encourage?

Retiring is one thing, what ever will I do with myself? I am not a couch potato, nor a porch sitter; I need to be doing something. I have always loved to write, mostly for my own entertainment and those of my family. I have 2 sisters that expect something new every couple of months, we do snail mail because we agree it is more fun to hold paper and turn the page.

As a young child I lived briefly in the country with my grandparents, being the eldest child I can remember this experience clearly. It has been my dream to move to the country when I retire, now is as good a time as any.

House hunting or for that matter finding the right property is the tough part. Then once we do and move in, dealing with a different life style is a whole different matter. I am willing to give it a try, part of this fantasy is me sitting at a desk in seclusion and actually writing that book I keep telling myself.

I will not bore you with the mundane details of packing and arranging for my worldly goods to be stored; I will tell you I found a cute cottage to rent while we look for the perfect house, or property to build on.

We found a quaint little place, I would get stir crazy in something this small, it basically is a 500 sq ft. one room living space, kitchen, woodstove, living, dining the only wall is a small bathroom with a shower; my husband said it seemed more like a cottage then a home. It suits our purpose while we look. I am not one to camp in a tent, this has running water, electric, and gas; perfect, minimal arrangement. My husband said we could use it as our love shack, ha that made me laugh.

I found a real estate agent from the area; gave him our specs, asked that he keep it to that exact measure, 3200sq. open floor plan, 3 bedrooms at least, library/office that should be perfect except I want at least 20 acres now that is perfect.

He made an appointment to see 4 properties only days after we arrived. The first one had too many things to be done, so add to the list of preferences no fixer uppers so that narrowed our appointed properties for that day down to 2 possibilities.  The next one was so close to what we wanted, 25 acres woods, long narrow driveway, large barn and attached garage, cute white picket fence around a well-attended garden. Wrap around covered porch with views of the woods. Yes, this will do just fine, my agent said wait if you like this wait till you see the next one.

He was right all the pluses of the last one, with 2 additional items, a very large manmade lake, and a short distance to town. Yes out in the middle of nowhere not too far from somewhere.

We made the deal that week, we had immediate occupancy; there had already been a title search that month and was nearly sold till the couple backed out. Seems the move was his idea, she finally said no way or I will divorce you, and they backed out of the agreement, with hopes of it selling quickly so they would not pay a penalty.

We moved in a week later, well not all of our worldly goods; we had to wait for our things. Since the cottage we rented had furniture, we were going to need to have something to sleep on. We went to the local Sporting goods store, found a queen size blow up mattress, zero gravity lawn chairs we can use as recliners. Small flat screen television which when we are fully set up will go into our bedroom.

First night sleeping on our blow up mattress was not bad, but by the second night it had lost some air. I got to bed first hubby with his bad knees tends to flop into chairs and bed, he did that night and he nearly sent me to the ceiling.

Our things arrived a week later, putting everything in its place makes me believe we made the right move.

 Now on to becoming a country bumpkin that should not be too hard to do just find a way to get to know the neighbors.

One way to get to know the neighbors is in the waiting room at the closest Urgent Care Facility, I unpacked, did some grocery shopping, was feeling satisfied with myself and decided to walk my newly owned property. Off I went now what I did not consider is wearing shoes I wore sandals, flip flops to be exact, the soul slipped to one side and my foot came down on a stick which then embedded into the bottom of my foot.. I washed it wrapped it, and hubby took me to urgent care.

Sitting next to me was a woman with a small little girl. The little girls  name is Sarah, I introduced myself and hubby to her mom whose name was Debbie. Now they know their new neighbors south of Lois Lane, two miles east of Potters road. I could get lost with those directions.

After they soaked my feet for an hour, I received 5 stitches and was told to stay off it for a day, and then start slowly walking on it with socks and shoes. I was the contrite patient and said “OK”

Well it was not a day later that Hubby was trimming branches away from the house and one branch got away on him; down it came on the back of his head. So off we went to Urgent care. This time we met a guy and his son. If we keep this up we may know everyone in town by the end of the month.

It has been nearly 6 months since we moved in; we were invited to a meet and greet neighborhood block party. We were able to meet 10 families during that event. What I love about it was we sat around a camp fire at night the folk lore type stories they were telling were fun. I know they were telling these stories to see if us City folks could be scared off as easily as the couple who were going to buy the house before us. Millie who lives next door to us said the reason the wife did not want to move in was due to the other two couple who went missing after buying the property. I laughed and said we were sturdy stock, we will not high tail it and run just because of the bump in the night scenario.

Millie laughed patted my knee and said “Glad to hear it dear.”

That gave me a chill. The pleasant thing everyone seemed normal, not a weird one in the bunch. Warm and welcoming each and every neighbor we met. Including the sheriff and his wife who live across the street from us; Sheriff Mike is what everyone calls him, he did say with seriousness “If you experience anything odd, please let me know, the other 2 couples have been missing now for a couple of years, have not had a lead, families are still up in arms and wondering where they are.”

I looked at hubby he shrugged and winked said they were just adding that for effect. I still wondered, I did say to Sheriff Mike that on the property near the North West corner was an old well he may want to look in there for the couple.

Sheriff Mike’s response “I did not know there was an old well on the property; here we thought we searched every inch of that dang property.”

I said “Well it is over grown with grapevines, it looks like a mass of wood and weeds, I started to hack down some of the grapevine to make a wreath; as I did I uncovered the well. Some stones were loose, and it is crumbling but for the most part it is intact.”

Sheriff Mike asked “Do you mind if myself and a deputy come take a look tomorrow say around 9 am?”

I and hubby nodded hubby said “You are always welcome Sheriff Mike.”

Hubby and I were very tired stayed up later than usual, it was nice to have our own bed to crash in.

We were not asleep long before I heard a noise, I shrugged it off figuring I was imagining things because of the stories we heard at the campfire.


Another couple missing from the Morgan house.

Last time anyone seen Mildred and Stan was at a neighborhood get together, Sheriff Mike was present said he made arrangements for the next day to take a look at a well on the property.

Sheriff Mike told us he went to the door there was no answer so since he had permission from the night before he decided to check out the well with his deputy and some evidence tech guys. They found the other 2 couples who went missing more than a year ago. Yet no sign of Mildred and Stan Kawbinski; if anyone has any information as to the where abouts of Mildred and Stan Kawbinski please contact Sheriff Mike or Detective Jerome at the Copeland sheriffs department 413-234-7898








Fracture Fairy Tale T Rabbit

Fractured Fairy Tale:  T Rabbit

T Rabbit made an excellent Marine, nothing stopped him not even the briar patch. Weather was never an issue; he burrowed underground for his safe place. You could find him in the darkest night skittering around, running here and there. He was the reason many use the term “they are multiplying like rabbits” Because T Rabbit had his choice of Bunnies.

Till one fateful day he met the one who clipped is tail; he was never the same after he met her. After all T Rabbit knew about Jaylo Rabbit and how she framed Rodney Rabbit, you would think he would stay clear of her wicked ways.

She knew how to make a Marine swoon, all she had to say was “I am drawn to you I have no other choice.”

She was sultry, tall and sexy not like the other girl rabbits, like Topsy, who was round and cuddly with a massive bunny hole. Home cooking is not what he wanted. He liked the wild side of Miley Bunny yet he tired of her manic side. Gloria Bunny was too easy to steal away from Jay Bunny, T Rabbit wanted a challenge in his girl.

Jaylo Rabbit gave T Rabbit the challenge he so needed. He had a sit down with, Johnny turtle: T Rabbit wanted a different point of view;

Johnny said “Take it slow, she has many a creature moving in so fast, she wants a man with a slow hand”

Well T Rabbit still was not convinced so he brought in Sienmeld Dog, Prince Segel, Nixon Bear, bought them each a carrot beer.

Sienmeld Dog said “Best way to impress a girl is make her laugh.”

Prince Seagull said “Best way to impress a girl is sweep her off her feet, then marry her, and do not invite her horrid step sisters and mother.”

Nixon Squirrel  said “Best way to impress a girl is to never ever lie to her.”

All this seemed good advice yet he was not convinced this would be a way to get

Jaylo Rabbit to fall in love with him; then he remembered she loved music. He enlisted Eldon EEL  to play the piano, he can light up a room with a little jingle, all  T Rabbit had to do was thump and sing his heart out till the brussel sprouts were as large as cabbages.

Jaylo Rabbit entered into the Cotton Wood Lounge, looking as fine as she had ever looked, Eldon EEL started to play his tune, T Rabbit started to thump with the beat of his heart, and sang with  the clear voice of a rabbit in love.

Jaylo did not seem impressed, no matter what song; she never looked his way. Then his heart sank when in walked the reason. Jaylo Rabbit was waiting for Clint Eastbear, Clint had the look of a bear with nothing to lose; low gruff voice, controlled eyes, and hands big enough to encompass Jaylo’s two haunches.

This incensed T Rabbit, he walked over to Clint Eastbear and told him to step outside. Clint Eastbear gave T Rabbit a surly look as he stepped outside.

T Rabbit turned to Clint Eastbear and said “I do not like magic but I have been known to make men disappear.”

Clint Eastbear said “Ok Rabbit make my day.”” You may want to first tell me what this is all about”

T Rabbit said “This is about Jaylo Rabbit, I have been working her for some time, and you are in my sights and in my way.”

Clint Eastbear answered “Well T Rabbit the only advantage that you may possibly have is your color, the ability to thump all day, on the other hand I Hang High.”

T Rabbit quipped “ I have enough gold hanging around my neck to give Jaylo Rabbit anything her heart desires.”

Clint Eastbear laughed and said “A fist full of dollars will not do the trick, nor a few dollars more, you may be good you may be a bad ass, but you are ugly.”

T Rabbit yelled “Them be frighten words!”

Clint Eastbear grinned and said “I have a Pink Cadillac that Jaylo Rabbit cannot get enough of, she likes to do it; every which but loose.”

T Rabbit had enough “You making me mad Sucker.”

Clint Eastbear answered “Do you feel lucky Punk? Well do ya?”

When Clint Eastbear and Jaylo Rabbit left the Cotton Wood Lounge T Rabbit hopped back in and was seen with Eldon Eel, he had given up on women.




At times I feel like a gnat buzzing around people. Yet I am part of the cog even if they believe I am insignificant. One day I will show them my spoke. It will be a hot poker for their cold hearts.

I love my work in the mail room, knowing what goes on in this company the information comes through here even the office memos.

For instance I know Janice in accounting has 2 kids grown and just recently divorced. She is tall slender and luscious. There is Gail in receiving also tall slender and athletic never been married. I know this and more about them and other women in this company right down to their S.S. #’s home addresses and so forth.

These women believe I am a gnat that fly’s by them just for annoyance or prattle for them over coffee breaks. I am about to show them how very significant I am.

I will do to the company what it has been doing to all of us for some time, making sure I leave my signature on it so these beauties will see how brilliant and significant a gnat can be.

The billboard read all the equations of this company. How the money was siphoned from the retirement, health care, all benefits to benefit those who are in charge. I signed my name.

I realized and actually hoped for a postal effect.  I did not receive the postal effect the way I expected it. Divorces were rampant across the board of executives. What I did not count on but consider a plus, was those in lower management, specifically the males, wives were cutting off more than the nightly obligations.  I am laughing hoping the husbands can go to the apartments they have been subsidizing with our benefits.

Now they know my name is not gnat it is Justin Thurgood

Window to my soul

Window of my soul:

It is easy to hide behind my eyes; I can make them smile even when I feel especially broken. Being in a room full of people I still feel alone. When I was younger I used to hope no one see’s me for who I am; a phony. Yet sitting behind smiling eyes I watched others do their happy face, dance. Or the ones who are reaching out to you asking how you are after a few days some last a month or so they move on.

Working with people is especially difficult because I see the malice behind the smiling eyes, I do not say much just go about my day and do the job I believe I was created to do. For my birthday my parents gave me money, I always saved that money, they never bought me presents they gave me money, by the age of 12 I opened a savings account, did my best in school, learned what I could with the part time jobs I had at small business. Used what I learned and opened my own Florist. I love creating beautiful things, it makes my life better. Even when I am creating an arrangement for a funeral; my florist is the go to place if you want something special not the standard FTD arrangement. Tractor made of flowers; people come here because they want to send the person they care about off like a Thanksgiving Day parade. I believe that is how it should be celebrate their life the one you shared and the one they are going too.

I always arrive at my store an hour before I open, water what was missed the day before, sweep the floor, wipe things down, look at orders, if there is time I start the orders, giving my arranging crew a heads up on how to make it different, special. Now that I am in my 60’s the arthritic hands are not as nimble to complete an arrangement the way I like them, I have 3 girls, usually 2 at a time, they rotate their own schedules as long as the orders are met.

Lately  Bridget has not been showing up on time, when she comes in today I need to have a talk with her, this cannot continue I will need to find someone that I can count on and it is not fair to the other girls.

As Bridget entered I did my smile, yet I was having a ruff morning my past does that to me, the abuse and lonely hours sitting in my room crying so alone ;it was nearly unbearable. Recently I have found solace on line, I used to criticize social media in all its forms, yet blogging about my daily life as a florist also sharing some of the pain as a child is cheaper than a therapist; I have actually made friends that I have spoken to on the phone. One in particular I went to see for a week, I had a nice time.

“Bridget, this past 2 weeks you have been late, it is not fair to your team, if you need to find another job to fit your life style I suggest you do it.”

“Gosh Dorothy, I am so very sorry, I will not let it happen again. I have been communicating with a guy on line who I think I am in love with, and he says he is in love with me, writes me poems; sends me the sweetest private messages, we have even spoken on the phone. He has a deep voice a soft southern accent, I just adore him.

“Bridget you have to be very careful meeting people on line they are not all as they seem to be. Granted I have met and made friends on line. Sweetie please be very careful. If you ever plan on meeting him make sure you ask Bob Martian to see if he can find anything on the person. You know he will do anything for us.”

“I know he likes us, we always give a discount to police officers and their families, but hate to bother him with something like this. It is a little embarrassing. I will think about it.”

“Ok if you will not talk to Bob then give me a link to his blog, so I can at least know him a little.”

“Ok I can do that it would be fun Dorothy.”

“Bridget, do me a favor and do not tell him we are friends right off please.”

“Ok, but I think our relationship is going somewhere and I do not want to be keeping anything from him.”

Bob Martian is a retired police officer, my age, we see each other now and again, that is something I do not share with my employees, I like keeping my private life private. Before Bridget left she gave me the link to her new found friend’s blog. It is called EasyWriter. At first glance, he writes short stories, poems, even little jingles. He does some very good amateur photography. I like looking at others comments to see how someone is received by the rest of the bloggers. I have not been on this site before; I had to create an account.

That night Bob and I went to dinner, I spoke to him about this person, and also my miss giving’s. I gave him the link and he set up an account, he also gave the information to someone he knows on the department who knows the ins and outs of computers, internet and that sort of thing. Which is way beyond me I finally figured out what a mouse does and I am nearly as smart as my smart phone; but what these guys and gals do; nope cannot do computer language I have trouble enough with English.

Following day Bridget was on time, she said she had fun communicating with me on line, and she had not told her friend Gary aka Easy writer about our relationship.

Here is a poem EasyWriter wrote

I have forgotten how to love

Till you chatted into my life

Words on a screen


Reached through

Directly to my heart

Speaking loud and clear


My need for you has grown

With each written conversation

Wanting to see your eyes

Know your true heart

Your scent and taste


Soon we shall meet

Lifting our lives

Making them complete  


I could see how a young girl could be enamored by this sort of thing. Me I think it is cheesy; he is probably some pimply faced 15-80 year old scratching himself while typing these words. I know Bob had seen it; his account is Badger.

Bob private messaged me and said thus far all his friends have gotten is the guys IP they have to be careful because to go further they would need a warrant, and  EasyWriter has not  done anything wrong.

I told Bob that I will try to get more info from Bridget on line see if I can get her to give some info through our blogging comments or private messages.

It took approximately a month we found out EasyWriter lives in a southern state, he says he is 30, works days at a local big chain do it yourself store, like Home Depot or a Lowes. He is very careful not to give too much information.

Bridget private messaged me that he told her he lives in North Carolina and actually drives a shuttle car to and from the airport. I asked her what he says his full name is. She told me it is Gary Lyndon.

I passed that info onto Bob he then went to work on it. Sure enough there is a Gary Lyndon who works for Discount Shuttle in North Carolina. Seems he is married has 3 kids and is 45 years old, been married 20 years.

When I told Bridget she was so angry with me she quit her job, and walked out. By the end of the day, when I finally had time I tried contacting her. I got through to her roommate who said she moved out, said she was going to North Carolina to be with Gary.

Shit! I called Bob right away, like an old wet hen; I have not been this wound up since my store was broken into by two raccoons that ravaged the place.

Bob said she is an adult but there is nothing he can do about it. He said if there is any consolation this Gary has no record, and thus far it is not against the law to have an on line affair.

I had not heard from Bridget in 2 months called her roommate; she told me Bridget moved in with Gary, he was legally separated from his wife. But Bridget is not happy because Gary will not finalize his relationship with his wife, by getting a divorce. Bridget is talking about coming back, by the end of the month; she needs to get enough money together. I told the roommate that if I had an address, I would wire the money to Bridget to come home.

I never got the chance to do that; Bob had come by on our regular evening together with Chinese takeout. I was actually surprised we never eat in.

Dorothy let’s eat first then we need to talk. I ate slowly barely being able to swallow my food, knowing what he was going to say was not going to be good.

He then poured me a glass of wine, and proceeded to tell me they found Bridgett’s body, they cannot connect the murder to Gary because Gary had an iron clad alibi he was driving a family of 3 to the airport when she was raped, and strangled. What they are thinking is Bridgett did not have the money to come home, she may have met another guy or maybe started to hitch hike, or asked if anyone was going her way. They are still looking into the matter; the department in North Carolina is not willing to share much else at this time. Bob said he has a bad feeling Bridgett is not the only victim and they have been trying to catch this guy for a while.

A year later they finally caught the guy through a sting, using a female officer, he was a trucker who carried cargo for various business, living in his truck. He could have been found and any greasy spoon having a meal. The girls would be talking to a waitress about their woes; this Manfred James was his name would over hear the conversation wait till the girl left, and slowly walk her way offering a ride at least as far as the state line. Too many girls said yes, 6 in all.

I was actually able to do Bridgett’s flowers, the family was delighted in the piano I created. Bridgett loved Jazz; she played that piano like a pro. Rest in Peace Bridgett dance with the angels; when I hear thunder I know you will be accompanying it.




I know how you are (quirky short story) Fiction


I know how you are

I love my mom she did the best she knew how; she said she knew how I was. Not by what she said; it was how she said it “I know how you are.”. What that brought to mind was; I was asking too much. In her minds eye now that I can have some retrospect, she knew what she knew and was telling me it was better than what she experienced.  When she first passed away I had a lot of filtering to do even though I moved on and remarried so here is a reader’s digest version, not a criticism of who my parents were.

How do I tell you about this without sounding like an ungrateful adult? I do not want to paint my parents into the corner that so many have done and blamed all their psychosis on Mom and dad; that is not who I want to be; nor who I would want my child to be. We all make mistakes, we all learn from errors. At least we hope we learn, yet I believe in some families due to what we saw growing up we tend to make the same mistakes as our parents, cyclic genetics I would like to call it, although therapists would call it learned behavior.

My frustration with my mom started with my first marriage, she had said I was too hard on my husband. She had limited knowledge of what was truly going on behind closed doors. Yes, she did not know about how my husband wanted me to dress up in character, not the nurse, or the librarian; no he liked me to dress up as his favorite pet. He had a golden retriever growing up; after she passed away he had a full costume made to look just like his Goldie. He used a picture of Goldie and sent it to a company which specializes in the recreation of our beloved pets.

He brought this getup out on our wedding night told me he wanted me to wear it and nothing else. I laughed at first thinking he was pulling my leg, after 5 years I realized this is what he wanted. I wonder what he actually did with Goldie when she was alive. Granted he was only 12 when Goldie passed away but a girl has got to wonder. I look at my daughter now 4 years old and wonder if she inherited his crazy genes, or what he was doing something learned? Now that makes me wonder if I want my daughter to visit her grandparents without my supervision.

I finally had a sit down with my mom and told her of the quirks, which were the reason for me divorcing Craig. She said “Oh Porschia, that is nothing your dad had his quirks, God rest his soul, he used to dress as Batman and liked rubbing his light saber all over himself and me.”

That was more information than I wanted to have. Having the vision of my dad as Batman and my mom as what exactly, cat woman; although I could understand that more than a beloved Dog.

She really did not understand that I wanted an old fashion marriage and sex life. Something more in keeping with what I see on TV. Well enough about that there were other quirks, such as Craig needed half his shirts facing left the other half facing right on the hangers. I could understand if he wanted them color coordinated on the hangers, browns with browns, blues with blues. I could never figure out why it was important to have the shirts facing in different directions, I did ask he said he needed them that way.

My dad tried to give me his sage advice “Porschia come up with your own fantasy your own quirk, you might enjoy it.”

I did try once to get Craig to play doctor, he has a fear of going to the doctor, so then I tried playing librarian and he said that conjured up to many bad memories that happened at the library. Remembering these things I just wonder what I ever saw in him. I loved his hair, eyes, laugh and easy way he had with people; which was important in his line of work since he is a Veterinarian now saying this out loud I wonder if his patients are safe.

I started to work in a major department store selling high end women’s shoes; a male customer came up to me, I had seen him many times at the edge of my department, as he approached I noticed how truly handsome he was. Actually I was also hopeful he would flirt or ask me when my break was. He started by asking if these were only women’s shoes, I replied yes they were; was there something I could help him with. He said yes I want to buy the shoes you are wearing. I did not think I heard him correctly so I responded “Say again.”

He repeated his request “I want to purchase your shoes that you are wearing.”

I explained to him we had new ones exactly like the ones I was wearing. He said no you do not understand I want the ones you are wearing; I will buy you a new pair. I shrugged walked over grabbing the pair of shoes I was saving up for, through my old ones in the box, put the new ones on and rang up the sale.

As it turned out he sent me customers, I now have a whole closet full of new shoes, I caught on to what was happening I would bring a pair of my old shoes to work that were out of style. Another quirk, some men get aroused by smelling women’s shoes. I will not marry another weird man but I do not mind making my commission off their quirks. I certainly love the new shoes.

Glamor Shots Short Story FIction

Glamor shots


I love those mornings when my boyfriend does not have to work and we wake just long enough to go to the bathroom, then crawl back into bed pull the covers over our heads, spoon and snooze, not really sleep just enjoy the feel of the other, our breathing seep in unison.

We are going to be married in a month, no big wedding we are waiting for time off from his work, and I have a photography shoot coming up in two weeks for a magazine cover. I have come a long way, but I still want to go further, the magazine is not mainstream, my image will be used to draw attention to an article about woman and self-image.  I am a plus size model which my future husband is grateful since he is not fond of the skinny look, he likes my curves.

John keeps me focused and grounded, he is incredible when it comes to healthy eating and responsible drinking, all those things you would want in a partner. He will always be my partner, I never liked the word spouse it conjurers up the idea in my head of ownership, might be just me I like the idea of partner, as in business partner. Each have their weaknesses and strengths, as partners we use the strengths to support our weaknesses so that whatever the goals are for the business they can be met jointly not separately, no one is the boss, you are equal partners.

The Shoot:

Getting ready bright and early for this photo shoot which is to take place at sunrise on the local beech; I have been to shoots like this before, the sea gulls are not even up and about at this time of the day.

John is sweet he made coffee and brought it to me, since this shoot is with a magazine that is not mainstream it also means it is low budget so I have to do my own hair and makeup. I know as soon as I walk out that door John is going back to bed, he does not have to be to work for another 4 hours, this morning I will miss the spooning and pulling the blankets up for that extra 15 minutes before the alarm goes off. Yet I am stoked about this shoot, it will put one more notch into my portfolio, which I have needed desperately, in 2 months I will be in line for a photo shoot for Dress Barn who has plus size clothing, they plan a fall catalog, also for Lady’s home Journal fall fashion. When I say in line I mean the multitudes that show up and hope to be chosen.

Pulling into the parking lot of the beech, there is only one other vehicle, a white van which I am assuming is Kyle’s van he said he was getting a new one, this is new to him because it’s obviously not new. Kyle has photographed me before; I would not meet anyone I do not know on a beach or anywhere else alone because you never know what they are like, I have heard horror stories.

I do not want to be anyone’s horror story, or it to be my own nightmare. As I approach I see an image barely etched in the mist and dark of the beech, as he turns I was glad to see Kyle and his Camera he started to take pictures as I walked, with special lighting already set up ; I start playing to the camera.

When this shoot was done, Kyle promised to give me what he considered my best shots for my portfolio. We do make a good team, I have told Kyle when I get famous he will be the only photographer I use, he knows my moods, how to get what is needed for the shot; we are a partnership made in heaven he said to me one day. Yes a marriage of a different sort was my reply.

The Shock:

I got back to the apartment around 10am with a croissant and coffee, I was planning on enjoying it with a sliced up pear. The curtains were still drawn which seemed strange I chalked it up to the early morning coffee John delivered to me. I assumed John went back to bed and overslept, when I glanced into the bedroom the bed was rumpled and he usually makes if he leaves after me. I opened the drapes in the living room the sun was bright; sun always makes me believe the day holds special promise. I turned and walked into the bedroom opened the curtain before turning to make the bed; that is when I realized John was still in the bed. I called his name, reached for him as I touched his shoulder, he was face down on his pillow which is not unusual, what was; and it made me recoil, his skin was cold. Bile and fear enveloped me, John! John! He is dead, standing in suspension not really fully breathing I start to scream and cry all at the same time, I could feel my whole body go into convulse terror. Hearing my own screams seemed surreal, is this a nightmare, will I wake up?

What snapped me out of it was the pounding at my door, I ran to it for help hoping the person on the other side could make this all go away. Please let that be the door in my nightmare; when I open it I will wake up spooned with the man of my life, my partner, my lover.

Opening the door it was the guy from upstairs, he had moved in just a week ago I do not know him, just know he is a new patrolman on our city police department he had a gun in his hand which the sight of it sent me into the same nightmarish screams that brought him to my door. I passed out.

Laying on the sofa, now there a more people in my department, a man sitting across from me was taking notes in a small note book he looked at me the same time I noticed him.

“Sharn is your name?”

I raspily said “Yes it is Sharn Morgan.”

“Sharn can you tell me what happened here?”

“No because I do not know what happened here.”

I started to cry

“Sorry, here let’s set you up, and try and drink some water, I really need to know what happened when you came home.”

I sat up, drank water gained some control of myself and told him between whimpers and sobs what happened after I came home from the photo shoot.


Media frenzy:

This is not the way I wanted to become famous, my image plastered on the TV, the story went viral on Facebook and twitter “Models boyfriend slain in bed! Did she do it? What do you think?”

All I could think of when I seen the Facebook crap is “Who the Fuck are you to Judge me, and How and the hell can you know who did this if the police do not have a freaking clue” I screamed this at the screen each time it popped up.

We have become a society of opinions, self-imposed important opinions. The average homemaker, grandmother, pimply ass kid, grown man without  life sits in front of his computer screen now with the power of his opinion he spews out his wisdom which in reality is just his own hang ups, screwed up self-worth which he considers important to the world.

I wish I could pull away from the screen as I scream obscenities at it, I am watching a train wreck, my own train wreck and there is nothing I can do about it.

Kyle called me several times but I did not pick up, I did not want to talk about it, nor did I want any consoling. I have enough people saying to me “Sorry mam just one more question; sorry we need to go over the day’s events one more time; sorry each time we do this we have found the one time we go over it something new will be jogged from your memory.”

They have no prints the apartment was wiped clean. I told the detective I don’t know anyone that is capable of cleaning my apartment that perfectly, nor anyone that would want to hurt John.

One Year Later:

I am still numb after a year, no closer to who killed John. I did get one wish I am now a sought after model. I have lost a great deal of weight, so now my modeling has taken a turn, now I am one of those skinny models. I cannot seem to eat as much as I used to. Counselor told me I may never be a plus size again, that image was one so related to the relationship with John, the events and my reaction to it will be revisited, and it is my way to cope and put it out of my life.

Will it be possible to actually put it out of my life; especially with no closure?

I kept my promise to Kyle, he is the only photographer that I use, and we have taken the ladder to success one rung at a time together. Magazine covers, internet ads, swimsuit issues, even offers for skin magazines which I promptly decline.

Kyle has made overtures of wanting more in our relationship. I have told him I am not even close to being ready for a relationship. I have had offers for one night stands which I decline; I am not sure when I will be ready.

 I also told him he should move on and see other girls, he said I am the only one he wants. I do not have the heart to tell him he is simply not nor never have been my type, yet he is a great photographer.