Moments or days
Lying here in the half sleep limbo, recalling his scent, his touch; he knew me so well all the right places which sent me beyond what I thought I could bare. I do not want to wake completely I need to linger with these thoughts they swirl from intimacy to his smile when he looked at me from the corner of his eye while driving with a sweet contented smile on his face. I know that smile he is glad it is me sitting next to him, chattering away about everything and about nothing. The chatter is my inward smile so glad to be sitting next to him enjoying our time together. Thoughts swooping back to lying near the fire, feeling the heat of the flames and his touch. Crackling of the fire, its smoky aura, soft music blending with the mellow buzz of wine; our mutual gratification spent, beads of sweat still linger on our skin as he licks my shoulder and kisses my forehead. Floating to the next moment as we swim in the moonlight, hearing the water’s edge rhythm him swimming towards me; the heat of my body releasing its power to the coolness of the water he reaches for me with a gentle embrace.
There was a time in my life I dreamt of being in the state of love beyond what is written in books. Now that I have this in my life I dream of it never ending. A song drifts through my head just a few lyrics from it I smile to myself “I have a never ending love for you, from now on that’s all I am going to do.” My heart is his it has made up is soul to love him, dreamily I float to the future having his children, caressing them to my breast as they drink in substance I remember all those moments that brought this beautiful specimen of us in my arms. Yet this dream seems so far away it keeps seaping through my mind; will this dream come true as all the others we have shared together? Why does this dream seem so much more elusive than the others, making me believe it is not possible, we will never live this dream? I must push forward; this is the only way we will be able to make this dream into our reality. Why is it so difficult to believe this can be ours?
Another turn in my heart I feel pain, loss is seeping into my core, this cannot be, there is only the ever briefest strength that brings me back to the day he proposed, not dressed in perfect clothes at a fancy restaurant, no in the garden under the hyssop tree, the birds were just awakening from nights slumber, frogs were singing good morning, dew was on all the surfaces surrounding us, as I sat I felt the dew dampen my clothing. He brought me a cup of coffee, set his down on the bench next to me, knelt on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I told him I would be honored to be his wife till death do us part. The ceremony was simple, on the beach in the Bahamas’ the rhythm of the water, hearts meld together in harmony with the music of the piano and violin playing “Something in the way she moves” I am struck by how handsome and the love his eyes has for me, as if he was drinking me in not wanting to look away as he slides the wedding band on my finger.
The illusion once again floats through my soul with me holding our little boy close to my skin as I pull him out of a bath, his naked body wet from the bath soaks through my blouse, he cuddles close to get warm as my body shivers and feels colder than it has ever felt, I hear voices calling my name over and over, what are they saying I can barely make it out.
“Sandra, you have to fight, you have to fight, come back to me.”
I sense these words are said in panic, begging me to come back, yet from where I am not sure where I am coming back from, I need directions. Pain shoots through me, my heart feels as if is going to burst, my lungs gasp for air, some reality that snaps me out of this pain. I want to shout let me go back to my languishing lovely dream, not this horrific horror I am in now. I hate nightmares this is the worst nightmare I have ever had, I feel something warm drip down my cheek. Hearing my husband’s voice again saying “Sandra that is good, please open your eyes look at me, look at me.” He is beseeching me to look at him, then another voice says “Daniel come here let the doctor tend to Sandra, they know what they are doing, she is coming back to us, she is a fighter, she will not let go she will come back to us.”
It took a full week before I found out what I was called back from was death, the re-entry was horrific, but it was worth it, I did not lose our child, our first born they say will be a boy. I wanted to tell them I knew he was with me the whole time; I will not say this knowing they would never believe me. This dream was almost stolen from us, because of a drunk driver. Yet the strength of our love and the fight of our first born to live gave us our dreams back.
We called him Evan Daniel Morrison, Young fighter, judgment our dream for him is to be a fighter with good judgment all his life. We will nurture him so he will be able to realize his dreams.