FEMA Chapter 8

poop 2

Well my birthday came and went with just two incidents, one was throwing ornaments off the roof at some hooligans, second was adding a member to the FEMA crew. Her name is Val I think she can be considered our pioneer person of the team, know her plants, herbs, mushrooms, we need to talk about things that make us happy if you know what I mean: it is legal to grow a certain product in our state, yet we get into enough trouble with alcohol so probably a bad idea.

Tony agreed it would be a plus to use the Dexter cattle for our beef and use it to advertise our food and her business.

Val’s husband has PTSD, that disorder reminds me of the changing seasons, as the weather changes thus the skies change, I always get the impression that the clouds are chasing each other as the light gets less and the darkness gets more, settling in for a denseness of sadness. Even those without PTSD use SAD lights now; I wonder what it is like in Alaska I hear there is a high suicide rate. Any ways it will be fun adding Val to the list, she seems eager who knows she may have the calmer head and we will not get into so much trouble.

I can relate to the ups and downs due to Jeff’s issues in fact those issues put a wedge between me and my only child; Melisa could not come to grips with why I stayed with her dad, she thought I should have left him. His mood swings he had; he did his best to keep her from the brunt of them, I suppose in some ways I caught the fling of his moods but I understood why, I never enabled, usually standing my ground trying to keep my verbal responses to a minimum and using them to redirect his to something more positive.

For something to do and get people outside this winter the Loggers Depot decided to host a cow pie toss, especially sense we now have our own personal supply. People bet on the squares, we used the snow to draw the grid; you are to take the frozen patty and see where it lands.

We did this in the back parking lot, one of our grumpy patrons did not like the idea we were standing in HIS spot, like his name was written on it. Although the more I think about it, his name is probably written in invisible ink via his urine.

Well Jasper is his name he got in a heated discussion with yours truly, so I told him he could use our personal parking space, he was not happy about it and said so in words which I will not put here.

After the event and all the winners collected their winnings the FEMA team was kind enough to help me clean up the frozen patties and place them in Jaspers front seat. I continued to buy Jasper drinks all night, borrowed his keys, told him with all he drank he will be driven home. Tomorrow he is supposed to call me when he is coming to pick it up; I will go out and warm it up for him. I did just that, Jasper being hung over got in with the car idling and toasty warm, sat down, the cow patties were pie by now.

Course I do not know who did such a thing; they were not like that when I started the car.

He knew in his heart of hearts and he knew better than say anything contrary cuz he knew I have a long memory and do not mind waiting, till I get my revenge. This one was easy and timely.

Well Jasper not being the sharpest knife in the drawer figured I had help, and he would go to the newest member of FEMA and complain cuz it came from her cows, so a thinking girl that she is decided she would let him know she is not a mere newbie in the FEMA organization, she has FEMA written on her soul. While Jasper was complaining about what happened to him and getting angry by the fact everyone applauded and laughed, he was busy being snarky with the patrons, so Val went out and after thawing some cow poop which we had left overs we piled up on a humus pile, with surgical gloves, she thawed this poop, smeared a light coating on his steering wheel. Jasper lives close by, just around the corner, this night he was not aware of this thing done to his steering wheel till the next morning, his roommate, who is sick of the complaining said he watched Val do it bought her a drink, then shared the after affect.

Jasper woke in the middle of the night, accused his roommate of not keeping the fan on in the bathroom long enough and the whole place smelled like shit, yet it took him awhile to figure out the smell followed him, until he washed his hands, now remember he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he drove the car to breakfast, the waitress who is a regular at the Loggers Depot, (she may be the next inductee to FEMA) said to Jasper, “Gawd Jasper you smell like shit!”

Now Jasper knew he’d been had, took his car to have detailed the 2nd time in one week. Yes life is good as a FEMA member.

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