Plumbing Chapter 1

Plumbing:  Chapter 1

When I was born it was the same cliché dad wanted a boy, mom wanted a girl. Early on I learned beyond the physical difference our heads and plumbing were wired differently. Eventually dad got his boy; I in turn got a brother. Mom had no problem with me and the diaper changing she learned quickly as soon as the cold air hit my brother you better find a way to take cover.

If you think about it nothing really changes as we get older, except when girls laugh too hard they pee, when guys stare to hard well there is evidence of what they are thinking; Girls usually take cover.

When I was in grade school the biggest thing was who was the cutest in the class, who was the smartest in the class. Gradually it became who liked who, who was a geek and so on.

When high school hit we became a little bit savvier, the jocks believed they were conquers of girls, under the stands, behind a shed, where ever they could woo them because they were the warriors some girls bought into the notion that a jock would one day amount to something. Soon after high school it became apparent to some girls the true conquerors were the geeks, or at least the ones that paid attention in class and did the work. See the girls who figured it out wanted to be with the guy who could support them beyond the white picket fence; they wanted to live in grand style.

Now me, I never wanted the jock, I figured hard muscles means hard head. My brother was a jock the conqueror, I listened to his stories about who gave it up for nothing more than the privilege of being with a super hero of the high school teams.

I decided to get an education and get my own style and yes it would be grand. My main problem was not me being intelligent it was I am a klutz; to say dad was disappointed that his girl was never going to be an athlete, agile on a parallel bar was the down side of who his daughter is, but to be a klutz who could not even be a pole dancer without landing on her head was beyond what he could deal with.

If Freud was right, I am ripe to fall in love with a daddy figure. He would be wrong about me, the guys I was enamored with were strong silent types, who read lots of books, enjoyed poetry and could not dance a lick, which was great for me because they would not go home with swollen feet and probably bruised somewhere on their body.

The time I lost my virginity to a boy named Bud he was well versed in the female body, and I enjoyed it tremendously, he on the other hand, received his climax as well as an elbow in the eye, somewhere along the line we head butted, and last but not least and I still to this day could not figure out how I kneed him in the groin. Instead of a hug and kiss goodbye he had his hands on my shoulder leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and said “Wendy I like you a lot but I do not think we are suited for each other.”

I shrugged and understood completely. I ran into Bud while working homicide, he is FBI; he walked over to me, I do not think it registered who I was, by this time on the department everyone gave me wide berth, the techies made the chalk line larger than the corpse just so I would not trip over the body and disturb the evidence.

I looked up and Bud’s face showed surprise “Wendy, now how is it you are not face down or at least trying not to fall on this unsuspecting corpse?”

I smiled and said “Team work, notice the chalk line?”

He looked down and seen the grotesque amount of chalk which was used around the victim, Bud let out a laugh and shook his head.

When I do get up close if I am kneeling I can retain my structure in an upright position, that is when I see what I need to see, I bring a kneeling pad for such a time as that.

Oh yes, I am not one to be offended by a male victim certain times even in death their nether regions react, I wonder sometimes that even in death before they go to their final destinations they are considering a quickie.


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