FEMA

FEMA   Chapter 1

All the things that happen, good and evil seems we are losing touch with our love for each other and our sense of humor. The political correctness is actually offensive to me. Acronyms are hilarious; when my girls and I get together for wing dings and beer we wear our FEMA hats. We are all seniors, not part of the red hat society we decided to be uniquely differently weird.

We can be seen sitting in a bar enjoying a platter of wing dings, you know you are getting older when the guys that whistle do it through dentures. Some look no one asks what FEMA means or we do.Those on the team become as family members. We love it when they ask, Female Emergency Medicinal Alcoholics.

One night, in particular, I should tell you; the night to us begins after the early bird special around 5 pm, we hit our favorite bar, Logger Depot, walking distance from our homes, or should I say staggering distance. I digress, this particular night we were celebrating my birthday, 62 years old, and have a few extra pounds but, all the right stuff. It was drizzling outside, instead of snow; February should have snow, I digress again you get that at my age mind wanders off to another thought then has to be dragged back only to wonder again so please be patient.

Ok so we were having a few beers, in addition to the wing dings we had mozzarella sticks, there were some young folks at another table, having burgers, they seemed to be having a very intense conversation every so often their voices went up a bit, then the girl at the table shushed them and their voices went back down. These are the young people you are asking me about Deputy so please stay with me I will get to my point eventually. So we were having our mozzarella sticks and Ruth made us laugh by saying “I have to be careful not to eat too many mozzarella sticks I will need dynamite to go to the bathroom.” After a few beers, that’s pretty funny, while tears are rolling down our cheeks, one of the fellas from the table which was having the intense conversation yelled across from us “Hey you old broads, hold it down people are trying to have a conversation here!”

The four of us joyfully flew the bird in his direction and laughed even harder. Then this young person got up and started to approach our table, the owner intervened said if he could not behave he would have to leave. The other young man from the table came up reached and touch his friend’s arm, which the rude guy yanked his arm away turned and hit the owner in the face.

Well, we could not just sit there eating wing dings we jumped into action, yielding our weapons, “overloaded purses” beat the tar out of that ass wipe.

“So you say he filed charges huh?”

“Yes, mam he did, assault charges on all 4 of you.”

“Huh, well now what?”

“Actually I may get him to reconsider, and drop the charges, seems the owner says the four of you came to his rescue, defending him.”

“Huh, Tony is great, just great, sometimes he gives us a free pitcher of beer, I like that guy.”

“Yes, mam he says he is fond of you as well.”

“Huh, he did?”

“Yes, mam.”

“Ok, now what are we free to go?”

“Yes, mam just stay where we can reach you in case we have more questions.”

“Oh, detective you do know where to find us.”

“Yes, mam Logger Depot.”

FEMA  Chapter 2

We got off easy the last time seems the young fella dropped the charges of assault in exchange for Tony who owns the Loggers Depot to lessen the charges to disorderly. I have seen that young fella around his name is Kyle, well when he sees me he glares. Seems Kyle holds grudges, well so do the FEMA broads. I hear that his tires go flat for no reason, also hear he thinks we have something to do with it. I will not deny it nor affirm it, seems so silly for old broads as he called us have the time or know how to do such a thing.

“Yes, mam he claims that Joy’s late husband owned and run the all service gas station here in town, Kyle believes you ladies have the means and ability to do it”

“Huh, has he seen us do it?”

“No mam and this is only a warning, I went to each of your friends and gave them the same warning.”

“Ok, I have been warned, what exactly is the warning? Is that like trick or treat?”

“Mam if you or any of your friends are seen in the vicinity of Kyle’s truck you will be arrested and charged with malicious destruction of property.”

“How can that be malicious sounds like someone is pranking him?”

“Mam, just stay away from the damn truck please.”

“Sure no problem I will stay away from the truck.”

Next visit this officer accused us of toilet papering Kyle’s front yard. He lives with his mom and she was darn upset, she came into the Loggers Depot and started to tell us she did not appreciate what we’re doing to her son. We asked her to have a seat, she did over a few beers we ordered her a FEMA hat, told her she should not enable her son, he may actually move out and get a life. I am sure Kyle is thrilled his mom is now part of FEMA.

Since Kyle’s mom, Sue is her name joined FEMA we play euchre every Thursday at her place. I guess us broads Yakking it up at their place rubs him the wrong way Kyle moved out and moved in with his girlfriend, she was the young girl sitting at the table the night we were arrested for assault. Her name is Rose.

We are all surmised Rose has no idea what she is getting herself into with such a hot head. Young girls think just cuz they are sweet their sweetness will rub off on a hot head turning him into mellow mush. That is not the way it happens, unfortunately, all too often the girl is left with a broken heart, and maybe a few bruises in the meantime.

Sue says she does not think Kyle would ever get violent with Sue, we told her if he ever did we will step in, the FEMA broads do not put up with any sort of abusive behavior. Sue said she would be there right alongside us if her son ever did such a thing.

 

FEMA Chapter 3

Kyle wasn’t going to press charges, his mom Sue is now a full-fledged member of FEMA even though she is 10 years younger and still works part time.

Kyle’s dad passed away a couple years back, he was a truck driver making deliveries all over the state of Michigan. Sue was working at the school in the lunch room serving kids their meals, Kyle had already graduated high school and was taking classes at the community college said he wanted to be a cop. I am not sure with his hot head it is a profession for him but who am I to say, he may actually mellow out and become a good cop.

Well the day Kyle’s dad passed it snowed like crazy, the county trucks do their best to clear the streets, sometimes light film of snow left from scraping can ice over, warms up from the sun then when the sun goes down the road can be treacherous, Mike, that’s Kyle’s dad was coming back from the UP, fog started to settle in, you know the icy fog in winter, some dingbat passed him on the expressway, pulled in front of him just as someone slammed on the breaks, making the dingbat slam on his breaks, which did not give Mikes rig a chance to slow down, plowed right into the dingbat, sent him sailing into the culvert, Mikes dads rig flipped on its side slid down into the culvert on top of the dingbat, the cargo Mike was carrying fishtailed and slid in a horrid flip landing on top of the cab of Mike’s truck. Sue told us girls since then Kyle has had a chip on his shoulder, sullen and angry.

As Sue was finishing telling us this about her late husband Mike, Rose walked in sat down heavily next to Sue.

“Hey, little one why the long face someone steals your glitter lipstick? ”I asked

She smiled slightly and said “No Christine, Kyle’s been in a foul mood lately, he does that this time of year, gets drunk, pouts, yells a lot, tonight he got right in my face; yelling about where I put the remote, that I should never move the remote. When I clean I put the remote in the drawer next to the chair he sits in, he knows that, but when he gets like this there is no talking to him.”

Sue asked, “Rose he never lays hands on you does he?”

“No Sue but sometimes he scares me enough to think he just might, like tonight getting in my face backing me against the counter.”

Ruth spoke up “I think that young man needs an attitude adjustment, we should do it Jeff’s style, Christine.”

We were ruminating on that idea, as I told Sue and Rose about my late husband Jeff, he was a Marine Sargent spent time in Vietnam, came back as an instructor finishing his 30 years, lost his life 4 years ago, Mesothelioma. Jeff was keen on hunting he would take me with him full camo, makeup and all. I remember how badly that stuff itched, but we both would get our deer, and enjoyed venison for the good part of the year.

Sue asked Ruth “So what were you thinking Ruth, how would you want to do this?”

Ruth answered “We get all geared up, camo, makeup, and sneak into Kyle’s bedroom while he is asleep, surround his bed, we say in unison Kyle if you do not get your shit together next time we have to come back here because you scared the shit out of your girlfriend we will duct tape you to the mailbox with a sign that says BULLY.

We all started to laugh had a few more beers, next thing you know we were all at my place getting dressed into what camo I had, putting the dark green cream and black, on our faces, we had to tuck our Q-tip colored hair under black knit caps,  Sue and Rose did the same. While we were trying to be quiet walking down the street to Kyle and Roses house, cute bungalow rental, 2 blocks from my place. Rose opened the back door with her key, still trying to be quiet, someone, which I will not name names, let out the loudest fart, and the stench was near unbearable, we were doing our best not to giggle, I had to pee like a racehorse. We surround the bed and said in unison “Kyle if you do not get your shit together next time we have to come back here because you scared the shit out of your girlfriend we will duct tape you to the mailbox with a sign that says BULLY.”

Or something close to that, Kyle woke up screaming “Oh mother F***er” he then jumped up pointed his finger in my face and said, “I am having you crazy broads arrested this time it is breaking and entering.”

I said, “Well girls I guess our makeup is not good enough he recognized us.”

Sue spoke up and said, “Oh Kyle you will do no such a thing.”

Kyle’s had a surprised look as he commented: “Mom what the hell?”

Sue said “Well they were right Kyle you should never get in my face and scare the shit out of me”

Kyle was now flailing his arms saying “Jesus H Christ Rose?”

Next day the sheriff had us in his office and said “Ladies, what can I do or say to get you to behave yourselves, Kyle is not pressing charges, but seriously take it down a notch.”

I spoke up “Sheriff it was an intervention that boy needs to cool his jets.”

The sheriff seemed miffed when he pointed his finger in my face and said: “Now Christine I know how you are, also I remember and respected your husband Jeff, but if Kyle ever decides to press charges there will be nothing I can do.”

Sue said “He will never press charges against his mom and I am now a full fledge member of FEMA”

The Sheriff placed his hands on his face shaking his head and said: “Have a nice day ladies, and please keep your festivities to the minimum.”

FEMA  Chapter 4

There are times Tony is shorthanded during the day at Loggers Depot; I pitch in bartending, which the guy’s like this round looking a blondish woman who can be sweet like a grandma if they want it or sharp-tongued and flirty I got all that going, and boy do I rake in the tips.

It was Friday 4 pm and in walks, Kyle sat down at the bar, I took a rag picked up his lighter and cigarettes made it a point to wipe real good in front of him set his stuff down and said, “Can I see some ID.”

He glared at me begrudgingly pulled out his wallet yanked out his ID shoved it in my face. I said, “Now thank you was that so hard, what can I get you Kyle, my lad.”

He growled “Bud Lite”

“Tap or Bottle?”

“I usually get it in the can.”

“I bet you do.” And I smirked

Handed him a can and an icy glass said: “This first one is on the house.”

He asked for a couple more during his visit before he finally asked the question “What the hell does FEMA stand for?”

Tony Answered “Female Emergency Medicinal Alcoholics.”

He rolled his eyes and laughed, I think that was the first time I ever heard that boy laugh. I leaned across the bar and said to him “Look here Kyle if you can deal with the old broads of FEMA you would be a great cop, seems Sheriff Howie is having a difficult time doing so, there may be a job opening soon.”

At that, we all three laughed pretty hard. Kyle shook his head paid his bill and bid us a good night. Well, now I wonder if I had won FEMA a mascot. I mentioned the thought to Tony he said with all the insulted pouty face he could muster “Hey I thought I was your mascot.”

I answered while squeezing his ass “No Tony you’re my boy toy.”

Tony got a big grin on his faces and said: “I will settle for that.”

I said, “You do more than settle.”

The girls came in for our usual nightly meeting of FEMA we stayed late, I told the girls I was going to stay and help Tony close up the bar, and they nodded with understanding, politely said goodnight and left. Tony locked the door; I finished cleaning the tables walked up behind the bar as Tony turned off the lights. Keep in mind this establishment is on Main Street in our little town, it has 2 large windows on the sidewalk side with pull in parking spaces also extra parking in the back.

Tony used my ass to clean the bar, I usually get a burn on my behind since the skin touching the varnished surface does not move all that well, I had just finished my crescendo and Tony was just starting his, when the whole front of the room lit up, seemed Kyle and some of his buddies pulled up in their trucks with their bright lights ablaze, I hear truck doors slam, footsteps then faces plastered against the windows.

I started to laugh as Tony crescendo came to its beautiful conclusion, Tony took a couple of bar clothes wrapped them around my behind and slid me off the bar, I crawled on my hands and knees, needing to pee like a racehorse, laughing, hoping I would not have any accidents, dragged my clothes on, went to the bathroom.

Tony stayed behind zipping up washing the bar as if nothing happened. Damn, I have fun in my life, this kid thinks he embarrassed me all he did was give me a great story to tell at the next FEMA meeting.

FEMA Chapter  5

Seems Kyle is beginning to have a change of heart if it is not fear, it could be respected for me and the FEMA team. I told the girls step by step as they leaned in for every salacious detail of that night, how Tony placed me on the bar, how he took off my top…m..y bra…and, then the lights and faces prints on the window which we choose not to clean off, cuz ya know Tony at the bar is telling the story his way and I am telling the story my way. All of all the sex is good with Tony and I know he is respectful when he tells of our escapades and swoops in to save my honor while I tell it as raunchy as I can. Yes even with only one beer it was really tasty and funny.

That evening when Kyle walked in with Rose, I got up sauntered over to him my hip against his saying “Say, Kyle, you went through a lot of trouble to see my stuff, how’s about doing a girl a favor and show me some of your young stuff.”

That put the hoot and hollering, back slapping into fine order. Yes FEMA was in rare form that night, I believe that was the first time I saw Kyle blush, Rose played it well coy head down winking at me. I am guessing I have made that boy laugh and blush in one week he is well on to his way back from the grieving dead and life is breathing back into his soul.

Our other acronym for FEMA: Females encompassing mothering authority

Not as catchy as Females Emergency Medicinal Alcoholics but just the same that is where our hearts are.

We all had a blast that night Kyle did not drink as much ate a good size burger with a plate of fries, Rose was just shining, you can tell she adores her man, probably see’s what most do not. That is not to say Rose is out of the woods, you never know when that demon comes back to haunt you, but she knows FEMA has her back; both of our acronyms.

I would like to tell you we stayed out of trouble, but you would never believe us, because Sue came to us said she thinks she has a stalker, she does not want to tell Kyle because he may go off half-cocked. Pshaw like we would right?

We listened with attention to every detail to see if she was imagining it or it was for real. By the third pitcher, we knew she had a stalker.

This guy shows up at the lunch room, says he is an uncle of one of the students and wonders if he can get a cup of coffee. He says his name is Rodger. Next thing Sue says he shows up at her house asking for donations to the children’s fund at St. Francis. Sue was shopping a Meijer, Sue was in produce, her cart was left unattended, he leaned on the side and said: “Well Sue we should stop meeting like this people will talk, what are you doing this Wednesday?”

Sue said she tried to keep her cool and said: “I have plans, a date if you must know.”

Rodger smiles and said, “Well then maybe next Wednesday.”

Sue is so rattled Joy came up with a plan; first, we need to know where this Rodger lives, then we need to know his comings and goings.

Sue said “ I know where he lives, he doesn’t come home until around 11 pm”

We all looked at our watches, twenty minutes till 11 pm.

“Ok now, what Joy?” I said

Joy said, “We meet him at his door, standoff into the shadows, come out and grab him ask him what his intentions are.”

I said, “That may work, for a while, we may have to get Sheriff Howie involved if this Rodger character is not DE swayed by our numbered force of FEMA.”

We were all in and quietly chanted FEMA, FEMA our hands met in the middle of the table, yeah let’s GO! I have not told you much about Laurie, she has been part of FEMA  as long as Ruth has, she came with Ruth as a package deal. Her husband was 10 years her senior, passed away while they were being intimate. If you ever saw Laurie you would understand why. Anyway, she is the quiet one who sits and listens always joins in on the festivities yet has more sense than us and hangs back when were go too far. Which is never right? But when Laurie does something it always adds to the fun, because you never expect it.

We positioned ourselves, myself and Sue to the right of the door, Ruth, and Joy to the left of the door, Laurie was hanging back a few feet,  Rose was busy with Kyle: we waited as quietly as we knew how; Sue signaled there he is shhhhh. We shushed.

Rodger walked up the steps, dressed all in black, pulled his key out, we rushed him. He was so flustered he dropped his keys, I reach down to get them as I came up I noticed the white collar, I did not have time to tell the girls to stand down so I hollered: “Double Whoopee, Well here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.” Just then Laurie jumps in and pours a bottle of water over Rodgers’ head, all the while I am shaking my head NO NO.

The older girls knew that was from the show with Laurel and Hardy, Sue did not have a clue; she turned to me with the look of what?

I jumped in and said, “Sorry Father Rodgers, Sue here thought you were a stalker, seems you seeing her at school saying you were Janie’s uncle, then showing up at her house collecting money, the only one I do not get is at Meijer, what are you doing on Wednesday night?”

Father Rodger gaffed and said “Bible study.” He took his handkerchief out and was wiping the water off his face and head the best he could.

He was sweet and understanding invited us in for a drink. We are an amiable bunch we accepted.  We did have a great laugh about it all, good thing Father Rodgers has a sense of humor.

FEMA chapter 6

After the priest incident, we decided to be a little more careful before we get into some real trouble. Not sure how we will accomplish that pledge, once we get going we usually use each other’s synergy as a centrifugal force to be reckoned with.

Tony has asked me at least 3 times within the last year to marry him.  It has been 3 years since Jeff passed, yet the three times Tony asked I still felt as I would be unfaithful to my first love. Do not get me wrong I am in love with Tony; just recently I have realized this love is different, companionable, comfortable, meeting of the minds. With Jeff is was a wild ride, he had PTSD, not as bad as some, yet it did lend itself to me drinking as I do and needing an outlet for my frustrations, that is when FEMA took root one by one each woman came to my table, first Ruth came to my table after her husband of 25 years had a massive heart attack never was able to say goodbye, took her by surprise she is still reeling from it even after 2 years, Joy’s husband soon after Ruth’s husband was driving to work when he went into a low, being he was diabetic and lost control of his car ran the embankment at 55 miles an hour, went through the windshield, seemed he hated seat belts.

At first we met for coffee, each, in turn, had a bad day slowly we started to meet for drinks as well, and as they say, the rest is history. Now Sue has joined our club, hoping to gain some synergy from us and also aid in helping Kyle get back his emotional equal Librium. Which at this point seems he is starting to mellow a bit, he has asked Rose to marry him, she said yes. With that news I started to think of all the times Tony asked, I stayed to close up last night for the express purpose to ask him to marry me. He said yes, Kyle is not thrilled but realizes weddings are mostly for the girls, cuz Rose suggested we have a double wedding ceremony at the Loggers Depot with the FEMA crew as attendants, I loved the idea as did Tony. Yet I can understand Kyle’s miss giving’s cuz you know there will be alcohol involved.

I had considered wearing my camo makeup; Tony laughed and said he was fine with it, but thought better of it so as not to antagonize Kyle, hey I can be considerate at times. I did wear a Camouflaged colored gown, yes they make them, long, with a snug fit bodice, I made a shawl to match; I figuring Rose should be the only one wearing white. Tony thinks it is sexy, he likes me in my camouflaged attire, combat boots and all, we play, find the dissident I always find it, or does it find me, not sure.

Course the sheriff was in attendance and the patrolman which have handled complaints against FEMA. The priest we accosted agreed to do the ceremony even though we were not all of the same faith; he said we are all faithful to the same God.

The ceremony went nicely letting Kyle and Rose go first so it would be separate from mine and Tony’s: Loggers Depot was packed all the wait staff and bartenders did the night free for our wedding present, course drinks were on the house. Tony’s and my favorite restaurant is the Italian place on State road, the chef came used our kitchen and made our food, also as a wedding present, we just paid for supplies. It was grand; I actually saw Ruth, Joy, and Rose dance a bit. By the end of the evening the FEMA team started to sing, Black Betty, Shang a lang, over and over till everyone in attendance sang along; we even managed to do it as a round, what fun, I was sure I was going to have a hangover, surprised I did not. The staff is handling the next two days so Tony and I can get out of town for a couple of days. I am sure Sheriff Howie is sighing in relief; his town will be safe from the FEMA team since the president of FEMA is out of town.

 

FEMA Chapter 7

Since my marriage to Tony we both have put our houses up for sale, we plan on finding a house that will be ours. Tony owns the Loggers Depot portion of the building he suggested we use the money to buy the entire building which includes a large open space apartment above the bar. I loved the idea, neither of us like yard work. In the past we have gone up to the roof after closing for our interludes, I have envisioned turning that area into an oasis just for us, if we buy the upstairs living quarters no need for me to stagger home on Friday nights after the FEMA meetings, I can crawl upstairs.

Much to my surprise, Kyle put a bid in on my house, he said he doesn’t want to rent anymore but he and his new wife Rose will own their own home. I gave him the house for what he bid, it was a little low he knew it but I figured when he does become sheriff maybe he will remember me kindly.

It did not take Tony long to sell his place so we did our own bidding and now we are proud owners of the entire building. I put the extra money we had left from the sale of our homes to good use, fixing up the place especially the roof.

On my birthday this year we had the party on the roof, February is cold, but we had a cast iron wood burning stove set up there, started a fire, had plenty of seating and blankets for anyone who wanted, the temps were in the upper 20’s no wind, clear skies, stars galore, after doing shots you do not feel cold or fear.

The FEMA crew was sitting on the edge looking down over our little town when we noticed below us a woman about our age, short, thin was getting out of her car, these two idiots who had been coming out of the diner at the corner started to hoot at her, she was locking her car and walking towards Loggers Depot when they came alongside her, one guy grabbed her arm, she yelled “Leave me alone, back off.”  FEMA went into action by throwing Christmas ornaments which we were using as decorations for my birthday party, you know the large round non-nondescript type which adds color and glitz.

The guys looked up, so did Kyle he had walked out of Loggers Depot wondering what was coming off the roof, we yelled “Those ass holes are bothering the nice lady!” He turned to them they high-tailed it to their car. Kyle got the license number called it in. Oh did I tell you Kyle is now a patrolman? Kyle looked up and pointed his finger at us and said: “You gals behave up there.”

We yelled, “Ok send that nice lady up here for free drinks and friendship.”

That is how we added Val to the FEMA club. Val and I have lots in common she wears camo gear, she also has a skunk hat, not sure I am ready for that but I like her tenacity.

She has just moved into the area, outside of town, she has a farm and raises beef cows called Deters, miniature cows; I like that after our discussion we decided to go to her place and check it out next week.

I may talk to Tony about ordering our beef from her, we could then put in the menu Organically grown beef burgers, used also in our chili’s and stews.

FEMA  Chapter 8

Well, my birthday came and went with just two incidents, one was throwing ornaments off the roof at some hooligans, second was adding a member to the FEMA crew. Her name is Val I think she can be considered our pioneer person of the team, know her plants, herbs, mushrooms, we need to talk about things that make us happy if you know what I mean: it is legal to grow a certain product in our state, yet we get into enough trouble with alcohol so probably a bad idea.

Tony agreed it would be a plus to use the Dexter cattle for our beef and use it to advertise our food and her business.

Val’s husband has PTSD, that disorder reminds me of the changing seasons, as the weather changes thus the skies change, I always get the impression that the clouds are chasing each other as the light gets less and the darkness gets more, settling in for a denseness of sadness. Even those without PTSD use SAD lights now; I wonder what it is like in Alaska I hear there is a high suicide rate. Anyways it will be fun adding Val to the list, she seems eager who knows she may have the calmer head and we will not get into so much trouble.

I can relate to the ups and downs due to Jeff’s issues, in fact, those issues put a wedge between me and my only child; Melisa could not come to grips with why I stayed with her dad, she thought I should have left him. His mood swings he had; he did his best to keep her from the brunt of them, I suppose in some ways I caught the swings of his moods but I understood why, I never enabled, usually standing my ground trying to keep my verbal responses to a minimum and using them to redirect his to something more positive.

For something to do and get people outside this winter, the Loggers Depot decided to host a cow pie toss, especially since we now have our own personal supply. People bet on the squares, we used the snow to draw the grid; you are to take the frozen patty and see where it lands.

We did this in the back parking lot, one of our grumpy patrons did not like the idea we were standing in HIS spot like his name was written on it. Although the more I think about it, his name is probably written in invisible ink via his urine.

Well, Jasper is his name he got in a heated discussion with yours truly, so I told him he could use our personal parking space, he was not happy about it and said so in words which I will not put here.

After the event and all the winners collected their winnings the FEMA team was kind enough to help me clean up the frozen patties and place them in Jaspers front seat. I continued to buy Jasper drinks all night, borrowed his keys, told him with all he drank he will be driven home. Tomorrow he is supposed to call me when he is coming to pick it up; I will go out and warm it up for him. I did just that, Jasper being hung over got in with the car idling and toasty warm, sat down, the cow patties were pie by now.

Course I do not know who did such a thing; they were not like that when I started the car.

He knew in his heart of hearts and he knew better than say anything contrary cuz he knew I have a long memory and do not mind waiting, till I get my revenge. This one was easy and timely.

Well Jasper not being the sharpest knife in the drawer figured I had help, and he would go to the newest member of FEMA and complain cuz it came from her cows, so a thinking girl that she is decided she would let him know she is not a mere newbie in the FEMA organization, she has FEMA written on her soul. While Jasper was complaining about what happened to him and getting angry by the fact everyone applauded and laughed, he was busy being snarky with the patrons, so Val went out and after thawing some cow poop which we had leftovers we piled up on a humus pile, with surgical gloves, she thawed this poop, smeared a light coating on his steering wheel. Jasper lives close by, just around the corner, this night he was not aware of this thing done to his steering wheel until the next morning, his roommate, who is sick of the complaining said he watched Val do it bought her a drink, then shared the after effect.

Jasper woke in the middle of the night, accused his roommate of not keeping the fan on in the bathroom long enough and the whole place smelled like shit, yet it took him awhile to figure out the smell followed him, until he washed his hands, now remember he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he drove the car to breakfast, the waitress who is a regular at the Loggers Depot, (she may be the next inductee to FEMA) said to Jasper, “Gawd Jasper, you smell like shit!”

Now Jasper knew he’d been had, took his car to have detailed the 2nd time in one week. Yes, life is good as a FEMA member.

FEMA Chapter 9

Well, Jasper is under control he has actually taken his grump down a notch. I am getting the swing of things being a wife and now co-owner in Logger Depot, the regulars are now calling me the Misses, which is kinda nice. I still get my regular Friday FEMA meetings to be with the girls which are in rare form tonight, Sue is a bit unnerved one of our new Patron’s his name is Ron is paying undue attention to Sue even though she told him in no uncertain terms she was not interested.

He sends drinks, which she sends back she says she does not want to encourage his attention by accepting drinks when she gets up to go to the lady’s room, play pool, put money in the Juke box he follows her and tries to start up a conversation. She repeats her mantra “Ron, I do not want to hurt your feelings, I am not dating, I will not be dating, please leave me alone.”

Well the FEMA team came up with a plan to put a damper on his need to constantly follow Sue around the place. Sue will turn and talk to him the next time he walks up to her, we plan this as Sue is coming out of the lady’s room Ron will invariably walk up to talk to her, she will say something different to keep his attention, try to turn him so his back is to the restrooms. That is where Ruth comes in, she will come up behind Ron quietly, put a six-foot length of toilet paper into his waistband, also a three-foot length of toilet paper attached to his shoe.

I am sure the other patrons will notice when Ron walks back to his stool at the bar. Indeed they did the laughter started slowly, comments started to fly such as, “Hey Ron if you are trying to save money just ask Tony for a roll of toilet paper to take home with you, he is a generous kind of guy.”

My favorite was

“Hey, Ron how much paper did you think you need to wipe your ass.”

That was the remark that made Ron turn and look behind him; he found the toilet paper stuck in his pants and his shoe. He turned and looked at the FEMA table, we sent him a drink and nodded it was us.

He accepted the drink and the fact Sue was not interested.

Yes, you may be saying we were hard on the guy, although you might be right, but if we do not demand respect from our fellow men they will continue to step over the boundaries.

Now the problem arose Saturday when Sue went grocery shopping; Ron approached her and told her loudly “I do not appreciate you humiliating me like that at the bar.”

Sue stood her ground and said, “I do not appreciate it when I have told you multiple times in a nice way that I was not interested in dating you or anyone else.”

By this time someone called the police station and Kyle was dispatched, walking in he could see and nearly hear the conversation when he got closer he heard Ron say “I am not done with you.”

Kyle approached and said, “Sir are you threatening this woman?”

Ron turned looked at the name tag, looked at Sue,  Sue then said: “Kyle this is Ron, he is having a hard time understanding that I do not want to date him, and Ron this is my son if you have a problem with me you take it up with him.”

That finally gave Ron an attitude adjustment.

 

FEMA Chapter 10

Spring is trying to spring into action; we are planning an Adult Easter egg hunt. To participate you need to donate $10 the money will go to the local Humane Society. We are using the back parking lot and will put out eggs with a coupon inside or 1 free drink. Depending on how many donate will determine how many eggs will be hidden. Each participant is told in advance they are allowed one egg. Tony and I were surprised when we received 20 donations.

Each person found an egg and enjoyed their free drink. Inside we had a ham buffet the ones who donated ate free, the others the cover charge was $5 all you can eat. There were 5 side dishes included in the buffet. We worked like the dickens for this but it earned a thousand dollars for the shelter.

Tony asked me if I would like to adopt a dog, he or she could be a mascot for the Logger Depot. I said sure, Jeff had taught me how to train a dog, so I figured it would be fun, but I wondered if the health department would allow it. Tony said that since he has a doctor’s note stating his need for a service dog due to depression that this dog would be allowed. Tony has not been back to the doctors since him and I hooked up. He went into a depression when his wife passed from breast cancer also like Jeff he did his stint in the service and has a touch of PTSD, not nearly as bad as Jeff did. With Tony it flares up in the dark winter months he uses a SAD light which helped him tremendously.

We found this tall skinny greyhound mix male dog we call Fred, he seems to be easy going and always willing to please.

After a month of working with Fred, we felt confident to allow him in the Logger Depot. In fact, Fred helped with the Easter egg hunt. He received a treat for each egg he found and handed to a patron. They all loved it, I am surprised once again at how everyone fell in love with Fred.

Well not everyone, there is a patron that has been coming in for years, usually doesn’t give us any problems, stay’s to herself, has her drinks, then walks home. Her name is Betsy, well for some reason Betsy took a disliking to Fred, each time Fred would walk by Betsy; she would glare at her.

One night during one of the FEMA meetings I noticed Betsy gave her foot a slight swing when Fred walked by. I got up walked over to Betsy, who had a few to drink by then so I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt but I figured by my asking her this question it will be a fair warning if I find out what I suspected was true.

“Betsy, I need to ask you why you are trying to kick my dog?”

She did not deny it.

“That dog is a nuisance and should not be in here.”

“First off Betsy I have trained Fred to give this chair a wide berth, which he does, secondly if you kick my dog I will kick your ass all the way to jail do you understand?”

“I understand FEMA bitch.”

Betsy’s voice was loud enough for everyone to hear, as I walked away Fred walked uplifted his leg and pissed on Betsy’s shoe.

I gave Fred a treat and said “Good Boy”

The patrons applauded, Tony told Betsy she is no longer welcome in our establishment.

FEMA Chapter 11

We are having one of our FEMA meetings and enjoy actually a subdued quiet time if you can believe that. Nothing going on with us just enjoying each other’s company; then it happens our attention goes to the back corner of the place, large table which accommodates 10 people all guys, they have only been here a half hour yet have consumed more than we have been her 2 hours. We are figuring they are light weights. Turns out it is a bachelor party; I recognize 3 out of the 10 at the table as local boys who come here on occasion.

One in particular who is sitting at the table wants attention. Everyone look at me I am special. Anytime someone goes up and gets a dart game going he gives them his 2 cents, how they should use their arm, too much wrist, not enough wrist; you know the type. He starts in with those playing pool, same darn thing.

FEMA crew is wondering why none of the guys is putting him in his place, so I walk up to the bar to get us, girls, another round and ask Tony, he says “this is a bachelor that is the groom, they are giving him the night and attention he wants, my guess is he is not a drinker, just a blowhard when he drinks.”

Ok so I take this information to the FEMA group, we all agree he needs an attitude adjustment.  Joy is great at playing pool so is Val and Ruth, so they start a game up, I walk over to one of the guys who I know is a local, since he came to the bar to buy a round for the table, I ask him “So Ted who is your friend there?”

He turns and looks at me like I was speaking Spanish but answers “ that ass is engaged and is about to marry my sister, Catherine.”

I volleyed my response back to him “Well I am thinking he needs an attitude adjustment.”

He smiled and said, “I was hoping, that is why I suggested to bring him here for his bachelor party.”

The kid’s name is Allen who I was speaking to his sister is a sweet thing named Melisa.

Joy saunters up to the pool table as does, Ruth and Val, chalk’s her cue and racks the balls, leans in gives it the first whack. Blowhard which we found out his name is Morgan  meanders over like he is disinterested, and says to Joy, “ Now darling you need to bring your elbow down a bit.” As he said this he slowly moves forward.

Her response was priceless “If you are thinking about getting up close and personal and show me how it is done, I will shove this cue stick so far up your scrotum you will look like a gay pole dancer.”

Applause from the regulars, especially the best man and brother of the bride: I believe we need to have a talk with the bride.

I went the next day took some roses to the house I know her mom; Lola answered the door, I said: “Hey Lola these roses are for Melisa I was wondering if she was home.”

Lola said guardedly “Yes she is Christine, how did you find out about the engagement?”

I answered, “Allen had the bachelor party at the Logger Depot, I got a glimpse of the groom, I might say that she could do better, was hoping to have her come down for a bachelorette party at the Logger’s tonight on the house think you can arrange that?”

That sparked her interest, ha I am not such a bad penny when they need something.

 

FEMA Chapter 12

The FEMA meeting the following Friday was exclusively dedicated to how the bachelorette party will be handled. Joy has a better relationship with Lola so she handled that end. The party was scheduled for the following Friday, what we needed to do is get our ducks in a row.

Val knew this young man who has helped her with chores when her husband went through a bad spell, sweet young man, good looking helps his parents run their place just a mile east of Val’s place. Val has agreed to talk to Carl about meeting this young girl, she said she will not lie but will tell him our intentions as the FEMA girls. He smiled and said, “I have been so busy with helping my parents and school, which I just finished, I could use a night out.”

Val told him we are buying food and drinks for him all night; and will supply a designated driver, that is where Sue comes in, she asked Kyle, he said he did not want to get involved in one of our crazy schemes but Rose said she would do it.

Ok now that is set, the day arrives, all the girls showed up for the big night, come to find out the girls in the wedding party only agreed to stand up cuz they love Melisa, but none are too happy with her choice, so they have been clued in.

Carl brought back up to keep the wedding party happy and out of the way, his buddies were all too willing to meet the wedding party: so Melisa had no one to talk to except Carl.

All the wedding party was busy with the guys Carl brought, poor Melisa came out of the ladies room to an empty table, she looked around the girls were dispersed throughout the place, that is when Carl walked up and said “Hey seems I have been abandoned wonder if you would be interested in a game of darts?”

Melisa agreed but she told him “I will but; I need you to know I am engaged to be married the girls I came with, are part of the wedding party.”

Carl was cool as a cucumber and said: “Well maybe I am here to break up the party.”

Melisa laughed, they played pool, the girls danced with Carl’s friends, and Melisa sat at the bar talked to Carl.

Within a week we found out the wedding was called off, within a month on FEMA night Carl and Melisa walked in together asked Tony for the Microphone we use to say last drink; announced they eloped and are now husband and wife.

Yes! FEMA!!!!!!!!! Rules!!!!!!!!

That is when Laurie surprised us all and sang her heart out, her first song was Something in the way she moves; Tony came from behind the bar and asked me to dance. Life is good.

FEMA Chapter 13

Imagine my surprise when I saw this beautiful 20 something young lady walk into the Logger Depot. Sit down, she showed me her ID and I realized she was my granddaughter. Your mom Emily looked just like you at your age, I thought I was seeing things. Now you’re here saying you and your mom do not get along, you listened patiently to all my stories, but I have to tell you, sweetheart, your mom had trouble with the goings on at home, the stress was too much for her dealing with her dad’s PTSD, which I have told you already.

You do not want to be just like me, you need to find wisdom in all the things you find wrong in your life and in this world. That is something your mom has not been able to do. We are not computers you can reboot when there is a glitch, things in our lives crash; such as marriages, relationships, hearts, minds and sometimes even souls. In all that; it is where you need to find your wisdom, once you do you will be better able to understand and respect your mom. I am hoping your mom will one day find her wisdom.

Just then I heard a familiar voice “I have a mom, been listening to your stories and was wondering if I could join FEMA?”

Looking up at my daughter in all her sweetness I started to cry, Ann came around the bar put her arms around me and we both wept.

Tony said, “Christine why don’t you take the rest of the day off and get to know your daughter again.”

Ann turned to Tony and gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek then said: “Congratulations on your marriage to my mom, take good care of her.”

Tony replied, “I plan on it.”

The three of us went to a table in the back, Tony brought us drinks, and we chatted. Come to find out her and Emily’s dad have been having trouble financially and it has put a strain on the 3 of them. Emily has had a difficult time with all the bickering going on; the stress is nearly unbearable.

Ann’s husband Less has been out of work for 2 years now.

Tony overheard and asked, “If you are interested we could sure use help here, our students go back to school and it is hard to find good help, I cannot guarantee you get off all FEMA meetings but we could aim at that if you are accepted as a member.”

She answered “Wow Tony thanks; does this offer include Less?”

I said, “It does; he and you will have to learn to bartend, but once you get the hang of it the money is good.”

Ann pulled out her phone called her husband he said absolutely he used to bartend in college he knows he will be able to pick it up again.

It will be great having my family together and let’s face it Tony and I are not getting any younger and we would love to leave the place to family.

So we now have 2 more student members added to FEMA there is an initiation involved for these two.  Their initiation will be to quietly, while the other members are watching let the air out of the Sheriff’s personal car, and toilet paper his front yard.

They did a great job, they are going to be able to take over and keep FEMA going for years to come.

 

 

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