Courtesy Basket

I saved up my pennies as did my girlfriends. We normally get together at the local pub. We have a girl’s night once a year just to blow out our frustrations. We each have our own nucleolus lives. Some were married, stay at home moms, others professional women using either day care or family. We have a hold out within our clutch, a single professional woman who decided not to come this year.

Our pennies went for a lavish hotel with a concierge. We jokingly chose the bridal suite. To our delight, it came with a courtesy basket.

There was Champagne, chocolates, condoms, caviar, crackers, and cheese. 2 dozen roses were set on a table. Of course, we all brought our alcohol of choice. First on the list is a nice meal. This hotel has a 5-star restaurant. We made reservations for our room and the restaurant. We each dressed to the nines. We moseyed down to the restaurant. Part of the playtime was to give our waiter a hard time. Paul was sweet about it. We told him we wanted an accent. We laughed when he came back with broken Spanish. I was waiting for him to say “Don’t touch the Chalupa.”

After dinner, we meandered through the shops off the lobby. Once back to the room we each crawled into our most comfortable garments and got down to the business of blowing off steam.

By the time we got to the condoms we were in rare form. The balcony off the bridal suite works well for water balloons, but we decided not to do it that way. Not wanting to get thrown out. Instead, we took them down one floor. Laid them down where we thought an unsuspecting patron would step on them. As we huddled down the hall out of sight, the one who got the short straw knocked on doors. As each door opened we noticed nearly all the condoms spit out, dispensing the contents. Each recipient used expletives, giving us the entertainment we hoped for. It was all we could do to get back to our room without being noticed.

Finally, we started to short out. Ever so slowly one by one we fell asleep dreaming of massages and chocolate covered strawberries.

The dream suddenly turned into a nightmare. I heard screams as I tried to leap out of bed a wet towel hit my backside. I turned to find a man laughing, the towel coming in for another swat. I jumped out of the way screaming. While trying my escape I took what was left in my glass and threw it at the perpetrator. It landed dead center, leaving a cut. He yelped but kept coming. Next thing I saw were the backsides of 6 guys leaving our room. Just before the door closed one poked his head back in and said: “Next time you girls want to leave condom balloons out for people to step on let us know. We can fill them with dark red Jell-O instead. The red seeps around the foot, leaving people thinking they stepped onto something dead.

With all the screaming and now uproarious laughter there was a knock at the door. We were asked to leave.

Groggily we packed our things. We had all agreed it was worth it. Once we entered the lobby to exit the hotel, guys dressed in jeans and sweatshirts were leaving as well. As it turned out there was a bachelor party one floor down.

I walked up to the guy who came into my room. I asked him: “How did you get into our room?”

He answered: “The cleaning girl accepted a huge bribe. We each gave her $50.”

I said: “Whoa! At least we were not cheap.”

Walking out to the parking lot an agreement was struck we would all go to the nearest hotel that offers late night music and finish our respective outings.

I like how this courtesy basket is filling up handsomely with male companionship.

Joe Daugherty decided to cling onto me. He was amiable enough for a one-nighter. I wasn’t about to sleep with him even though he tried everything he could think of. I am glad he didn’t use the line “You have eyes like a lipid pool of water.” I would have barfed.

The following Monday at work I received roses from Joe. When I arrived home I received another dozen roses. Tuesday I received balloons at work, when I arrived home, another balloon bouquet. Gifts came that entire week. How he found out where I lived I wasn’t sure. The gifts came from one business. I stopped at the business and found that one of my co-workers gave out my address thinking this was a romantic thing to do. I will deal with that idiot on Monday.

I developed a plan in my head to get Joe off my back. I called all my single girlfriends that I could trust. I called Joe set a time and place to hook up.

We met for dinner and I suggested the hotel where we could spend the night together. We stopped at a liquor store. I knew from the night I met Joe he took drugs. I found out his drug of choice was cocaine.

We arrived at the room I played along with the kissing and feeling up routine. Joe as I suspected, set out lines of cocaine and told me to give it a try. I said I never used others stash, I do not know or trust. I told him, he could do mine and his I brought my own. Mine was baking soda. Once I snorted the baking soda I quickly blew out into a tissue when he wasn’t looking. I added a mild sedative to his drink. Then I set the plan in motion. The next morning I woke Joe by crying out: “Oh my God Joe what did you do to her?”

He jumped up and yelled: “Who?”

I said: “ I think she is dead, the girl in the bathtub is dead.”

Joe ran into the bathroom, screamed. I ran in behind him shushing him. I told him not to make so much noise. We cannot be caught with a dead person. He started to panic. I did my best non-panic, holding it together act. He bought it. I told him I could get rid of the body. All he had to do is leave the hotel without being noticed. He did just that. To make it look good I had a friend bring a rolling laundry hamper. My friend Jill who played dead in the bathtub climbed in. I had all my stuff with me. We left the hotel through the service elevator.

A week later I learned from a mutual friend that Joe put himself into rehab.

I am sure he will never contact me again.